Why Setting Boundaries With Family Is So Hard
The hidden dynamics that make healthy limits with family so difficult
If you want to know how strong your boundaries are, try setting them with your family.
It feels like an almost impossible task.
Even when you manage to say no, a moment later you feel inner pressure rising and you find yourself explaining and softening your words. It's an attempt to make your boundaries somewhat acceptable.
No matter how hard you try, it's often not enough.
Sometimes you might be lucky, and the boundary you set is accepted, at least for that day. But later things go back to the old draining dynamics. It's a bit like Sisyphus rolling the rock up the mountain just another time…
So what makes setting boundaries with family so damn hard?
The Old Roles Are Still There
As children, we had to obey our parents. Depending on how strict they were, not following the rules meant consequences or even punishment.
Once we learned to stand on our own two feet, we were no longer dependent on our parents. We may even live far away from them and have built our own life.
However, that does not automatically mean the old hierarchy is gone.
In some family systems, your status as a child will never be updated to that of an adult. So you are never seen as an adult in your own right. In other words, they never see you on their level and still believe they are above you.
Cultural conditioning doesn't make this any easier. We are told to honor, respect, and follow our parents.
There is nothing wrong with this if our parents treat us with dignity and respect and want to see us thrive. It's a different story, though, when you are seen as someone who owes unquestioning loyalty to the family just because they brought you into this world.
This can make dealing with your family deeply confusing, especially when family itself is treated as something sacred.
They Know Your Weak Points
If your parents never really respected your boundaries, there is little reason for them to change. Especially in dysfunctional families, you are often expected to keep playing your role whether you like it or not. What matters is that the family system stays stable.
When you begin setting firmer boundaries, the resistance will not necessarily be shown openly. Instead, your family might remind you of everything they have done for you. They call you cold, selfish, ungrateful, or dramatic.
In other words, they try everything to make you feel guilty or regain control over you. And the sad part is, they often know your weak spots so much better than anyone else. They know exactly what button to push. That's how they kept you in your role for so long.
It's not a fair dynamic.
Without allies in the family or the ability to follow through with real consequences, there is often little chance that a rigid family system will accept your boundaries.
Families do not have to be dysfunctional to be difficult. But then the game has to be fair. They may struggle with your boundaries, but they should stop using guilt, shame, or emotional pressure to drag you back into your old role once you make your boundaries clear.
That still won't be easy, especially if you are not used to speaking for yourself clearly and firmly.
You Are Afraid of Losing Them
Setting boundaries with other people can feel more straightforward. If they don't accept your boundaries, you can reduce contact and keep them at a distance.
Friends are people you choose. Some of them come and go.
With family, it's different.
In an ideal sense, family is supposed to be the one place that remains even when everything else in your life falls apart. A safe harbor you can rely on, no matter what happens in your life.
Even if you can clearly see the toxicity in your family and see each member for who they truly are, there is a part of you that still hopes that one day everything will be fine. One day they will see you, accept you, or even love you…
As long as you carry that hope, you don't want to lose them.
So you try to set boundaries again, maybe a little softer, maybe with a bit more patience, maybe with even more carefully phrased words.
You hope that one day you may find the right approach, as if you just didn't know how to set boundaries with your family correctly. The simple logic is that if you do it right, they will respect your boundaries.
But sometimes the truth is much harder to accept. That logic only works in a family system that is willing to accept you for who you are…
Before You Go…
Two weeks ago, I mentioned that I was working on a boundary-setting test.
It's now finished and has been tested by a group of volunteers. The feedback was very positive, and I'm happy to share it now with all of you.
To find out how strong your boundaries are, click the button below, answer 16 questions, and get your results.
It takes less than three minutes
If You Are Still With Me…
This is the third part of my boundary-setting series.
I have already worked out a few more pieces that will be published every Tuesday at the same time.
But I also want to give more space to the topics that matter most to you.
So if there is anything around boundaries that you would like me to explore, just leave a comment below.
You accurately described the real, unfair, and uneven struggle of a person who grew up in a dysfunctional family.
I find your invitation to express our preferences regarding what we would like to discuss about boundaries heartwarming.
I was wondering...what becomes of the struggling person later in life? I mean, does their evolution depend on their level of sensitivity, empathy, and so on? How are their later relationships affected?
I'm anticipating your next article, as always :-)✨🌹🌻
This was a very accurate test! I am exactly at that 50% mark..where I am trying out new behaviors and very aware of old patterns but still struggle in my closest relationships..Thanks!