What Leaving Your Family Truly Means

Reflections from Five Years After Going No Contact

I walked away from my family five years ago. As you can imagine, it was no easy decision. Even when I saw no other way out, it took me several weeks to take the final step.

I wanted to be absolutely sure I wasn't driven by anger and wouldn't regret my decision later in life.

In case you are thinking about going no contact with your family, I can only strongly recommend that you do your research. There will come times when you need to stand firm. Of course, a solid foundation of why you left helps a lot.

In the following, I have put my experiences in a somewhat chronological order.

Detoxification Phase

The first few weeks were like bliss. No more drama, just silence that felt like peace.

I began to notice how lovingly mothers in my neighborhood cared for their children. Seeing this was a new experience for me that almost felt surreal.

It made me reflect on my own childhood. And that was when things took a turn.

Old memories that I had buried for so long suddenly came back to the surface. They were so painful that I just wanted to escape from my body and disappear into nothingness.

Suddenly, it made sense why I pushed those memories away as a child. But now I felt strong enough to finally process all the feelings and emotions that were tied to those memories.

And then there were those voices in my head. They were full of hate, telling me to toughen up and dismissing everything I was going through.

Those voices sounded so familiar. They were the voices of my parents, still living in my head.

I kicked them out!

There was no more room for them. Instead, I chose the voices of an imaginary older brother and sister who cared and who wanted to see me shine.

That decision finally brought me peace. My childhood wounds began to heal. The toxins were gone.

Seeing The World With Different Eyes

I started noticing more and more beautiful changes in my outer world. But from the detox phase, I already knew the real transformation was happening inside me.

It reminded me of my trip through Latin America, where I felt connected to people as if I were one of them. Maybe that's why Latinos call each other hermanos - brothers and sisters.

Back then, it felt like one of these travel moments.

Now, it had become a new reality for me.

I asked myself who I wanted to have around in my new life. And the truth was that most of my old friends did not feel like good matches anymore.

I reduced contact with them. Most didn't care. Some got bitter.

It didn't surprise me.

When I was going through tough times, only a few had shown real signs of empathy. In a way, all those dark nights I had to go through turned out to be a deep cleansing for so many aspects of my life.

Now that I had kind voices in my head, I only said yes to people and things that felt right for me. I wanted to make sure that I kept any kind of toxin out of my beautiful new world.

The Past Doesn't Let Go

A year had gone by, and I thought I had finally left my past behind me.

But that's not how it works. The past can be a bitch. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

My mother wrote me an email. My first impulse was to leave it unread. But by day two, my curiosity took over. Now I understand why curiosity sometimes kills the cat.

She was full of hate and accused me of everything that came to her mind. None of it had anything to do with her, which made it all quite ridiculous.

I didn't reply to her email.

A year later, she wrote me again. This time, in very sweet words, as if nothing had ever happened. For a moment, I thought she had changed a bit. But reality hit hard when I found out that she needed money…

After that, she wrote to me on most of my birthdays, always making sure there was a sting in it for me.

Aside from that, my aunt decided to pay me a surprise visit four years after I had cut all contact. I never had any issues with her. But it turned out that she had been sent by my grandmother. So in a way, it wasn't really my aunt who was sitting in front of me.

She wanted to know the reasons why I didn't want any contact with the family.

I didn't want to air dirty laundry. So I gave her examples of toxic dynamics outside the family as a reference. She kind of understood that, but couldn't see the equivalent within the family.

Well, at least I gave it a try, and so did she.

Birthdays And Holidays Remain Difficult

I never liked my birthdays. They were often traumatic.

They still trigger some memories of the past. It's like with wounds that have healed. The scars start to itch when the weather changes.

The same goes for holidays you usually spend with family, like Easter and Christmas.

Of course, I could distract myself and celebrate with friends instead. Instead, I chose to treat those holidays as yearly reminders of how far I've come on this journey.

Becoming Who I Am

I have always wondered what “be yourself” actually means. I thought I was always myself. How could I not be?

Well, my family had assigned me a role that I never chose or wanted. Once I found out about that, I decided to leave the role behind. And with it, my family.

Most of my life, I was just functioning and doing what I thought was the right thing. But it rarely made me happy. I felt hollow, as if I wasn't truly connected to the world. A bit like an outsider who didn't belong.

I remember asking my mother what qualities she saw in me. She couldn't tell me. And I had no idea either. I didn't know who I was. I only knew how to function.

Walking away from my family, spending months in silence, helped me understand who I really am.

I still feel like the very same person that I always have been. However, I also know how dramatically my outer world has changed.

Recently, I watched old footage from my school graduation. I barely recognized the person I was back then. I looked the same, but my gestures and posture were completely different.

Maybe I was always the same person, but I didn't dare to show my true colors until recently. Because as a child, I wasn't allowed to.

All in all, it took me about five years after leaving to get to this point.

Today I understand what “be yourself” means. But first, I had to become who I really am. For the longest time, I simply had no idea.

This was my path. And this is what it taught me.

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When you've walked your journey this far and still stand your ground, pat yourself on the back and be proud. I did. Many times. Just to get a sense of what that feels like.

It wasn't a walk in the park.

And I don't want to romanticize anything here.

For me, it was hell.

But sometimes the only way out of hell is through it.

If you are about to leave your family, make sure you really mean it.

And make sure you are ready to pay the price.

Don't expect any reward. You only do this for yourself. Becoming who you are will finally make sense. But it also means that you will be born again, in a way.

You'll only know who you are once you've become yourself.

The future is a mystery. Enjoy the ride.