Scapegoat Healing Journey - Part V
Dealing With Boundary Violations
Setting boundaries is quite simple once you have learned to say no.
You might be surprised that most people accept a simple no without asking for a reason. In the beginning, that will feel like magic, as if you discovered a new superpower.
In case you missed Part IV, you can find it by clicking below.
Of course, there will be people who don't respect your boundaries. But in most cases, it's easy to keep them at a distance or simply close the door right in front of their noses.
And then there’s a third group…
The ones who punish you for having boundaries. They're the toughest to deal with, as they also happen to be the people closest to you.
Yes, I am talking about your family—the ones who made you their scapegoat.
Today's part will be about how to deal with boundary violations coming from them.
You Were Trained To Give Up Your Boundaries
Nobody wants to be a scapegoat—neither did you.
There were times in your childhood when you questioned that role and spoke your truth. That didn't go well. In the best cases, you were just called too sensitive. In others, your caregivers made you understand clearly who held the power…
You couldn't just walk away—your life depended on your family taking care of you. So you learned to cope and adjust to your dysfunctional environment. It became a second nature to you.
Maybe you still tried here and there to question your role. But by then, your family knew all too well how to get you back on track.
In essence, your family trained you to give up your boundaries. Otherwise, the scapegoating would have never worked.
If they had accepted you for who you are, they couldn't have projected their shame onto you. But that's exactly what they needed you for.
When Boundaries Are Seen as a Declaration of War
You carry your truth, which you've probably questioned far too often.
The ones who made you their scapegoat have a different truth. In their eyes, you embody all the bad that they reject and despise. They are unaware that what they see in you is actually their own parts. They have projected onto you what they cannot tolerate about themselves.
They cannot handle their shame, so they have put it on your back.
I know how wild this may sound.
Imagine someone who likes to steal. They know that stealing is wrong. If they cannot be honest with themselves, they will point at others who steal even more than they do. This way, they make their own bad behavior a minor issue.
Take this further, and you'll see a person who projects all their unwanted traits onto others. This way, they don't have to face it within and avoid the pain of feeling terrible about themselves.
But what happens when the canvas used for this projection refuses to do its job?
The simple answer: Panic and rage.
Be prepared for very intense and hostile reactions the moment you start setting boundaries. To your family system, it means that you refuse to do your job.
How dare you, as someone they regard as so much lower than them?
You have to play your role. Otherwise, they risk being directly confronted with their shame that they cannot handle. They need a scapegoat so badly. They have trained you for that, you played your role, and now you refuse and even dare to speak up…
Accepting the Truth About Your Family
Here comes the painful part.
You won't be able to change your family, no matter how hard you try.
They don't want to change. They don't want to see the truth. They can't handle it.
Period.
If they could, they wouldn't need a scapegoat any longer.
Why can't they just choose a new scapegoat and let you step out of your role?
If they did that, they would be confronted with all the abuse they have done to you. They cannot handle the shame that comes with that.
Your family will only choose a new scapegoat when you are gone. And even then, they won't stop talking badly about you and blaming you for everything that is going wrong in their lives.
It's painful. I know. I have been there and wished I could make it any easier for you.
Accepting your family for who they are will set you free.
There is nothing wrong with you. There never was.
It's them who chose to stay unaware and remain in dysfunctional dynamics.
You chose to break the cycle. That's your truth, the one you decided to live.
How to Deal With Your Dysfunctional Family?
The only way to set boundaries with your family is to take it to the extreme.
Yes, I mean cutting them off and making sure you'll never go back.
I chose that path after everything else I tried had failed, and I saw no other way out.
It was the hardest decision of my life. I had to walk through hell to make it out the other side.
I can understand if you don't want to walk down that road.
So what else can you do?
Once you've accepted your family dynamics for what they are, you can step into the role of an observer. You basically watch people who have not reached your level of emotional maturity. Imagine them as children living in old bodies.
Play your role, offer no friction, no angle of attack. Don't take things personally.
If a child swears at you or blames you for all sorts of things, you wouldn't feel attacked. It's just a kid. It doesn't know what it's doing. The kid’s temper tantrum has nothing to do with you. Just keep enough distance to make sure that the shovel it throws doesn't accidentally hit your head.
Now imagine that kid being the child of a boss you have to work for. You don't want to upset the child because it could tell its father…
You wouldn't try to change the child. You just make sure you keep your inner peace. Naturally, you wouldn't want to deal with that child at all. But sometimes you have no other choice…
Coming up next:
Scapegoat Healing Journey - Part VI
In the next part, we explore what life feels like once the void begins to lift. Part VI is about living in alignment with who you truly are and recognizing the subtle, steady changes that show your healing is taking root.
Before You Go…
I hope Part V gave you some inspiration and helps you on your healing journey.
Part VI will be out next week on Tuesday. I know I was two days late this time.
If you like the Scapegoat Healing Journey so far, it would be lovely if you could give this one a like or even let me know about your thoughts in the comments.
Thank you so much for this article.
Accurate word-for-word. The scapegoating mechanism, the realization, the painful struggle, and the war they declare afterwards. And the advice is precious. And, yes, when I became confident enough and drew my lines, I was able to see that they were just a kid, a brat. The only thing left for me to do, concerning them, is to be careful about the shovel. Because they will throw one at me, there's no doubt about it😂
Tim, I loved this analogy: "Imagine someone who likes to steal. They know that stealing is wrong. If they cannot be honest with themselves, they will point at others who steal even more than they do. This way, they make their own bad behavior a minor issue.
Take this further, and you'll see a person who projects all their unwanted traits onto others. This way, they don't have to face it within and avoid the pain of feeling terrible about themselves". So perfectly put...it's like family members are saying...she feels even more shame than I do...see ..look at her. She feels it so we don't have to..So well put. I loved this piece. Thanks for sharing.