Notes to Myself - Setting Boundaries IV
What It Means to Have Healthy Boundaries
In the previous parts of this series, I wrote about why setting boundaries can be so hard. I started with the problem.
This part is about the foundation. It’s meant to help you reflect on your boundaries and get a better understanding of them.
If I succeed, you will have a clearer idea of what healthy boundaries are and where you want to draw your personal lines.
Walls Are Not Boundaries
Many people confuse walls with boundaries. I was one of them.
Boundaries are meant to protect the space in which you feel safe.
When someone has deeply hurt you, or you grew up in an unsafe environment, you want to make sure that nobody can hurt you again. So you build a solid concrete wall that keeps everybody at a distance.
It's a bit like building a fortress around you. The walls are so thick that nobody can get through them.
People who might give it a try quickly find out that even with the biggest battering ram, there is no getting through to you.
And that's exactly where the problem is.
Walls keep everybody out. Or in other words, they kinda keep you in your own prison.
Yes, the prison feels safe. But the longer you spend time in it, the more you will feel disconnected from the world around you.
It can then look as if you can only choose between getting hurt or feeling empty.
What a sad life…
But there is hope.
The moment you learn that you can keep different people at different distances, your walls can begin to turn into boundaries.
That's when the warmth of the sunlight can get through to you again.
Knowing What Feels Safe For You
There is no general recipe for boundaries. Every person has their own personal boundaries. Of course, within a given cultural context, these boundaries can be very similar.
Physical boundaries are a good example of that.
In some Latin countries, people have no problem with physical contact, even when it's with a person they hardly know. In a way, it's part of the culture.
The story is totally different in some Scandinavian countries, where social distancing never had to be taught. It's what's natural to them.
Boundaries are also not a fixed thing. They are more like circles.
Some people, like close friends, loved family members, and your partner, are part of your inner circle. You allow them to come very close to you. That's because you feel safe with them, and it feels good to connect with some people on a very deep level.
There is a wider circle for people you know and are okay with. But you may still feel uncomfortable with them touching you, for example.
And then you have an even wider circle for all other people you either barely know or don't resonate with.
The circles I'm talking about here are not only about physical distance. They also apply to how you allow them to talk with you, how much of your time you allow them, share resources with them, and so on.
Where You End and Other People Begin
An important part of healthy boundaries is learning where you, with all that you regard as part of being you, end.
Physical boundaries are the easy part. You can draw a line around your body. But even without that, you have a very solid idea of where your body ends.
For empaths, the story can be very different. They often do not clearly know whether the emotions and feelings they experience are their own or those of others.
For instance, when a friend is very angry, they may feel responsible for that anger and question what they might have done wrong.
To establish healthy boundaries, empaths need to learn what is really theirs and what they are not responsible for.
That sounds more complicated than it is. All an empath needs to do is become aware of what's going on in their head. When they suddenly feel bad, guilty, drained, or low for no clear reason, it's time to dig a bit deeper.
Finding Yourself Beneath the Conditioning
Whether you are an empath or not, it makes sense to reflect on who you really are.
We are conditioned in so many ways and often forced into roles that do not really align with our true selves.
Often, we only find that out when our lives fall apart or when we get the sense that we are not really living our own lives. That is when we start to question ourselves. And when we do this in a constructive way, it can be quite a transformative process.
In a way, you learn to see yourself from a distance, as if you were your own observer.
You do not need a life crisis for this. Meditation or spending time in unfamiliar environments that are very different from your own can help bring these insights.
It could also help to use a wild animal as a reference. A lion remains a lion. Of course, you can teach it some tricks and make it behave differently. But that does not stop it from eventually returning to its wild nature.
So ask yourself who you are if you strip away everything that was given to you: material things, education, social status, and so on.
What remains?
That is where you find the answer to who you truly are and what boundaries you want to have in order to protect that authentic self.
Healthy Boundaries Need Consequences
A boundary cannot protect you if everyone can simply step over it.
Healthy boundaries only work when they come with consequences.
Often, a simple but firm warning is enough. A clear no. A calm “Don’t do that again.” And meaning it.
There is no need to explain your boundary. A person who values you for who you are will also respect your boundaries.
There are no hard feelings involved. Sometimes we just don't know what is okay or not for someone. So when they tell us, it helps everybody involved.
Of course, if your boundaries are still not respected after you have made them clear, you keep that person at a distance. That could mean you give them less access to you or simply walk away when necessary.
These consequences are not meant as a punishment. They are meant to protect your self-respect and make sure you don't have to neglect yourself.
Before You Go…
I know many of you have been reading my Substack for quite a while now.
What I often don't know is which parts resonate with you, what you like to read more of, and what is of less interest.
I would really appreciate it if you could help me improve this newsletter with your feedback.
Just drop a comment below. It won’t hurt, I promise.
Being a loyal reader/follower/subscriber (whatever) doesn't mean I'm not strict. It doesn't mean I will let anything slide. My comments are not aiming to flatter, to compliment, to create connections that will benefit me in any way. My comments are expressing my truth.
Having made that clear, I say, from my end, please don't change a thing, just write the way you do about the topics you choose. We- I'm sure we are many, too many- need your work.
Tim, your writing is always interesting and very relatable. The issue of boundaries and how to best set them can be complex. Sometimes I am not quite sure what constitutes someone crossing a boundary. For example a woman who lives in my neighborhood became friendly and began to phone and email me etc. When she called me wanting info or help with something she was very pleasant. But if I called her for info or just to chat she was usually quite brusque. One day she was fretting over a health care decision and because she had never told me anything about this before I asked a logical question to try understand it better. She got upset and angrily stated "I already TOLD you about this - obviously you DIDN'T listen". I was taken aback but didn't say anything at that time. (she must have told someone else and erroneously thought it was me she told) But I realized I needed to set boundaries as to how much disrespect I would continue to tolerate. Later on when she sent emails and voicemails I didn't reply. She finally sent an email asking what was "wrong with me" that I was not replying. I then replied explaining it didn't feel good to be accused of something I am not guilty of and wished to be treated with the same respect I show her. She got very angry again, told me off and that was the end of the relationship. Not sure if I set my boundaries or she did....lol.