Scapegoat Healing Journey - Part IV
Learning to set boundaries and stepping out of your old role
The first three parts were a preparation for what’s coming today.
In this part, you will learn how to set boundaries and finally step out of your scapegoat role. It may sound like a tough lesson, but trust me, it is not. It's more of a discipline and repetition exercise.
As a child, when you were forced into the scapegoat role, you were never allowed to set boundaries with your parents. You had to play their script. You were never seen for who you are, nor accepted for having your own identity.
This conditioning haunts many scapegoats. They often end up as people pleasers and wonder why the same painful patterns keep repeating.
In Part III, you learned where all this is coming from. You also began to understand who you really are. Now it’s time to establish your real identity—and for this, it requires boundaries that you'll protect like a precious energy sphere.
Learning to Set Boundaries
In parts II and III, you learned to reconnect with your feelings. You will be more aware of how different people make you feel. That’s all you need for the beginning. It's really that simple, though it's not easy right from the start.
As people pleasers with empathic natures, most scapegoats are used to sensing how people around them are feeling. The focus is directed outward. You can shift that inward by becoming your own observer.
To do this, it helps to imagine floating above your body and observing yourself from the outside—much like you were any of the other people around you.
You will notice how your voice changes, how you smile more, or how you need to concentrate or think more when communicating with a person. No need to interpret anything. This exercise is just a bridge in helping to turn your focus inward, or the imaginary energy ball you are holding in your hands.
In the beginning, you will probably know only after you've dealt with a person how she made you feel. Uplifting is easy to recognize. It's way more difficult to recognize when someone drains your energy. That's because you were used to that for such a long time. It will feel like normal business for you.
However, there are other indicators for how a person made you feel. Ideally, the people you deal with should be uplifting or neutral at least. When they are not, it's worth a closer look.
Ask yourself:
How hard was it to be understood?
Did you have to explain yourself multiple times?
Did you have to think about what you were saying?
Did you have the feeling that the other person was not really listening?
Was the flow of the conversation effortless?
Did you feel on equal ground?
Did you feel something was off, or didn't make sense to you?
How did your body feel right after the conversation?
I found it very helpful to reflect on my day in a journal right before I went to bed. That gave me a far better understanding of what made a day a good or bad one.
Boundaries are what you set against everything that drains you. Of course, you cannot avoid all people. However, you can keep some distance and make superficial small talk with your friend for the people you don't want to have in your inner circle, but can't avoid.
The funny thing is that you won't need to practise setting boundaries with people who appreciate you for who you are. They respect you. Period.
They don't want to do you any harm. They want to see you shine. When you say no to something, they take it as a no without any further discussion or trying to manipulate you their way.
In the rare cases where they may have accidentally touched one of your boundaries, they will apologize, repair the damage done, and make sure it won't happen again.
So in the beginning, it's all about keeping all people who drain your energy at a distance. Once you are fully in your energy, you'll get an even clearer idea of what your boundaries are.
Traps to Avoid
As an empath, you can easily put yourself in other people’s shoes and see the world from their perspective. You feel their pain and understand them—sometimes better than they deserve.
The problem is that you might end up excusing their bad behavior: “They didn’t mean it that way,” or “They were just cranky because they were in pain,” or whatever other excuse comes to mind.
Bullshit!
You don’t need to excuse bad behavior anymore. Have some self-respect. If someone behaves badly, they lose friendship points. They’re a growling dog—you take a step back and make it clear that this is not okay with you.
You don’t have to voice it or turn into a Karen. But just like you wouldn’t reach out your hand to feed a dog that’s baring its teeth, you don’t need to get closer to people who show you disrespect.
You can expect that when someone has a bad day, they apologize—and actually mean it (actions, baby). You’d do the same for people you value, right?
So let your standards speak for you. No compromises.
When in Doubt, Don’t Say Yes
The most important person in your life is you. That’s not narcissistic. You can be deeply empathic and still decide that your strongest empathy belongs to yourself.
Priorities can shift a bit when you have young children to care for. But even then, you must make sure you’re doing well—because if you’re not, you won’t be able to care for them either.
There’s a reason why airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping your child.
I know from experience that setting and keeping boundaries can be really hard in the beginning. Like with everything, you need to practice it until it becomes second nature.
At first, it’s better to set more boundaries than too few. Each boundary may cause some discomfort, but you need a few experiences that show you it’s not as bad as you think. And of course, there will be times when your boundaries are challenged — I’ll get to that later.
Whenever it’s not a hell yes, say no.
If no feels too strong, say you need some time to think about it. If someone tries to pressure you into a decision, it’s a no, because you’re done playing manipulation games.
You may end up saying no to opportunities that seem like once-in-a-lifetime chances. But that’s a false belief. Advertising teaches us to believe that resources are limited, when in truth, we live in a world more abundant than ever.
Even when you make a bad or wrong decision, it’s never the end of the world. New pathways always open up. Remember, you also have the right to make mistakes and apologize for them.
As a scapegoat, you’ve sacrificed yourself for others far too long. Exploring where your boundaries lie is part of reclaiming your identity. It’s better to start with firm borders and loosen them later, rather than the other way around.
Remember: setting boundaries defines who you are—both for yourself and for others to see.
Coming up next:
Scapegoat Healing Journey - Part V
The next chapter reveals how life shifts once your boundaries stay firm. Part V breaks down the two powerful effects that mark the turning point of your scapegoat healing journey.
Before You Go…
Many people rush from one post to the next and forget the most important part.
You know, we writers are fragile souls. We need your feedback to lift our spirits and keep us writing—how else would it work?
A car needs fuel, a cow needs grass, and a writer needs a little pat on the shoulder and some love. Of course, only if you actually enjoyed his work and want to see more of it.
If the Scapegoat Healing Journey helped you today or gave you a new insight, let me know by clicking the like button. It’s really easy—and fun for both of us.
Comments are even better. I’ve found that they not only help me sleep better but also bring sweet dreams.
Okay, enough romanticizing for today. You know your job—and I’ve finished mine.
I was thinking of how much I enjoy reading today's part ( as I do every time) for two reasons.
First, I loved the wording; it was deeply relatable, it described the scapegoat's struggle with setting boundaries clearly, and explained the backstage situation perfectly, without falling into the drama trap.
Second, reading the article felt as if a long train of thoughts, emotions, and feelings was summarised in key points that made everything simpler and easier to manage. And it provided accurate and precious advice.
Some people respect our boundaries, they are exactly as you described, and we are the same for them, or trying to be. It always works both ways.
Thank you so much for this article... it was a pleasure reading it and a great help. Can't wait for the next part. Much love.
Good post, Part IV has great advice on setting boundaries Tim. You wrote "You don’t have to voice it" and that's sort of how I handled some ongoing bad behavior from a neighbor a few months ago. After she lashed out for at me for no reason (I had asked her a question to better understand her problem she was talking about, and she angrily snarled "I told you before - obviously you didn't listen". Later on when she called or emailed I decided not to respond and take a break to decide how to best handle the situation. I also wanted to avoid a confrontation or more bad behavior. When she became more demanding to know why I was not responding to her I finally explained how I was feeling due to her telling me off. She got very defensive and angry and needless to say our relationship ended for good at that point. So I think I should not have bothered to finally "voice it" as this was not someone who respects other's feelings.