Notes To Myself - Setting Boundaries
Why we struggle with setting boundaries
Some essential lessons we learn late in life. For me, this was setting and defending my boundaries.
I thought I knew who I was. I could say no, but usually only when I was really upset, but still often felt drained, taken advantage of, and not really connected to the world, as if I was mainly functioning and not really living in my power.
From all the comments I got on my boundary-setting memes, I know that many of you are facing similar struggles. So I decided to make this a focus topic for the next few weeks.
Today's episode is about understanding why we have weak boundaries. Once you understand this, you will also understand how strong boundaries develop.
After all, weak boundaries are not a character flaw. They are the result of adaptations made in childhood. And those patterns can be changed.
A Lack Of Healthy References
Many of us with weak boundaries have no idea what healthy boundaries really are. Of course, we can read a ton of books about it. We can learn the definition by heart and try to follow a manual.
But that's a bit like watching movies about love. To understand real love, you need real experiences. No Hollywood movie can do that, not even those that make you cry like a river with all the triggered romantic feelings. You might think you understood love, but your heart is still craving for the real thing.
If you grew up in an environment where healthy boundaries didn't exist and where you were not allowed to establish any of your own, then you simply have no inner reference point.
And this can easily become your blind spot, as we often don't know what we are missing. So we keep searching for the puzzle piece that fills the void in us…
Having No Idea Who We Really Are
To set boundaries, we need to have an idea of where we begin and where we end.
This may sound too simple. But for many people, it really isn't.
Of course, we know our name and what we look like. We also know our education, our history, what we have achieved in life, and the identity we have built around these things.
But if we take all of that away, what remains besides our bodies?
The answer is: Our essence, our true inner core.
The reason why we don't know who we really are deep inside is often that we were never allowed to be who we truly are.
When you are born into a dysfunctional family system, you are often pushed into a role. This starts so early that we are usually not even aware of it. We grow into the role and then assume that's simply who we are.
As humans, we are highly adaptive and can function even in very adverse environments. Of course, we don't just want to function in a survival-like state. We want to live and thrive.
Some of us tried to rebel against the family system or softly tried to question the dynamics. But we learned that any attempt to do this was punished harshly. And since our survival depended on the family system, we backed down and kept on functioning until it became second nature.
Pushing Away Our Feelings
Many of us who grew up in dysfunctional families learned that feelings can be overwhelming and that we had to regulate them all on our own. Often, nobody was there to give us a heartfelt hug, let us vent, or accept that our feelings were valid.
Instead, some were even punished for expressing their feelings as if something was deeply wrong with us.
So we learned that feelings were something undesirable.
One way out of this is letting the brain take over and rationalise our experiences.
The mind checks whether our feelings make sense. It also asks whether we are overreacting, making things up, or are too sensitive. In a way, our intellect takes over our inner world. It helps us to function and survive in our family system without creating too much friction.
At one point, this strategy feels normal. We may actually find it quite useful, especially in societies where people are praised for their intellect and cool minds.
The downside is that we become kind of tone deaf to our emotional needs.
We hardly notice when something feels wrong. We may notice it for a split second, but the signal is so weak that we brush it off like a random thought that makes no sense.
This is one of the reasons boundary violations can slip past us so easily. Not because they are harmless, but because we have learned not to fully register them.
And boundaries that are not noticed, named, or defended cannot become strong.
A False Sense of Loyalty and Duties
Often, when we want to say no, we feel terrible about it.
This tends to happen when we feel something is our duty or we owe it to people. It's when we are torn between what we want deep inside and what role we were trained to play.
It's also the point when our inner voice speaks up loud and tells us:
You have to do this; otherwise, you are a bad person
It's your family, you owe them. Without them, you would be nothing.
If you were in their shoes, you would understand how much they need your help.
The thing is that even when we have learned to suppress our emotions, we can feel the suffering of others all the deeper.
We sense the suffering of others, but we confuse it with our own emotional world. This even amplifies our felt duty to help others.
But the question is, what are our real duties, and to whom do we have to be loyal?
There is nothing wrong with helping others. Actually, it's a good thing when we choose to do so of our free will and not because of a role we think we need to play.
We also don't owe anything to our family. I know this may sound harsh.
The point is that you are not born as a slave who must play an assigned role in the family system. Of course, for your own good, you might have been forced to comply and adapt. But once you can stand on your own two feet, you can decide who you want to be close with and who you keep at a distance.
In a loving and healthy family system, you wouldn't think of loyalty as a duty or something you owe. You wouldn't even feel guilty for saying no.
Your family would respect that. You would be loyal to your family without even thinking about it. You want your family in your inner circle. Because with your loved ones around you, you feel safer than anywhere else.
This all may sound a bit romantic. But it's probably the contrast you need to have to see the quality of your own family system more clearly.
Awareness Is the First Step
Having weak boundaries is nothing to feel ashamed of.
We all have different starting points in life. And it's not that you chose to have weak boundaries. You were not allowed to shine in your true colors and be who you really are.
But these patterns were formed in the past.
Now that you brought awareness to this topic, you have something to work with. It's never too late to get an idea of who you are and what your boundaries are.
Once you know who you are and what your boundaries are, your environment will see that clearly, too. Of course, that may push people who don't resonate with you away.
But on the other hand, strong boundaries help to attract the right people in your life. Because people will feel that you are no longer abandoning yourself.
Before You Go…
I want to share something I am currently working on.
Currently, I am developing a test to help people better understand how strong or weak their boundaries are.
If this sounds interesting to you and you would love to test it, leave me a comment below so I can contact you once it goes live.