Notes to Myself - Why We Struggle to Feel Valuable

And how we can use self-criticism in more beneficial ways

There are two kinds of people.

For some, the glass is half full, while for others it's half empty.

Same glass, two different points of view.

Some see what they have, while others see what is missing.

Today's episode is about those of us who have never really felt valuable, no matter how great our achievements are. I was one of them and still struggle with it from time to time.

Maybe struggle is not even the right word here.

Being a bit self-critical and questioning what you could have done better is not all bad. Actually, it's humbling in a way. And it can keep you grounded.

Of course, it's a totally different story if your self-criticism makes you feel like a failure and none of your successes are good enough to count.

Image by Eric Moura on Pexels

Searching Outside for What Is Missing Inside

On a rational level, we know that it makes no sense to compare ourselves to others. And yet we do it all the time. We just find clever ways to do it without judging ourselves for it.

Idolizing people is one of those ways. We see the shiny parts of them. Not out of jealousy. It's more like they serve as an example that people who have figured life out actually exist.

In other words, not everyone is defective. Only we are…

The tragedy is that I know how real this can feel.

It is a bit like our brain searches the outside world for what is missing inside.

And if comparison is not the way it shows up for you, your brain finds other ways to point toward the empty places inside.

Some try to earn their value through sacrifice, whether that means working too hard, pleasing others, abandoning their own needs, or giving more than they can actually afford to give.

But sooner or later, the brain shows us the same truth in a different costume.

None of these things can fill what was missing inside.

There we are again. Empty-handed…

Searching For Answers

Of course, we want to know what went wrong and why there is this emptiness in us.

That's still coming from the brain trying to help us and make sense of things.

The problem is that this search can become endless. You may find out it has something to do with your family system. But then you wonder how your parents could become that way. You find out about generational trauma cycles, and your understanding of the problem becomes even more complex

But will all that really help you…?

While some level of understanding will serve you well, there is also the danger of falling into a very deep rabbit hole. You become more focused on understanding your problems than actually solving them.

Personally, it helped me to accept a few simple reasons to find my peace with the past, a bit like they were just a given that needed no further explanation.

I recently read that childhood emotional neglect can be enough to shape a person’s self-worth, even when everything looks normal from the outside. In other words, it doesn't always have to be dramatic things.

Sometimes you had a roof over your head, decent clothes, and all your basic needs were met. Yet something essential was missing.

Accepting The Wounds We Still See Through

I'm not really sure whether we can ever completely heal all of our childhood wounds. Not like turning back time and undoing all the damage that was done.

If that were possible, we would probably become perfect human beings. Or at least fall for the illusion of being one.

The thing is that we are all flawed in one way or another.

If you take a closer look at all your idols, you'll eventually see their shadow sides, too. The ones without flaws only exist in comic books, religious stories, and myths. And even there, the most interesting ones usually carry some kind of wound.

This brings me back to how we see ourselves…

Ideally, we would be aware of all our good and bad sides. This would allow us to be at peace with ourselves.

If we haven't found that peace yet, we might have overlooked some of the good parts in us. And if we mostly see what is wrong, missing, broken, or not good enough, we are not really seeing the whole picture.

So in a way, we have a somewhat distorted self-image. That doesn't need to be a problem if we accept that we cannot fully trust everything we see in ourselves or think about ourselves.

In other words, you can use your self-criticism in more beneficial ways.

• What if you are not half as bad as you once believed?

• What positive parts of yourself might you have overlooked?

In the end, it comes down to how you talk to yourself. Is it really your voice or someone from your past who couldn't see you for who you truly are?

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Before You Go…

There are two new things you may not have seen yet.

1. My Substack homepage got a complete makeover. Everything is now so much easier to find with clean categories, Start Here page, and better navigation.

2. I also started Memes by Tim to share my best memes with you, including some background information, so you never miss out again.

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