The safety of the mind

How I learned that I am more than my thoughts

We want to make sense of the world. It’s in our DNA. By understanding how things work, we said goodbye to the gods and found our own way to fly to the moon... and back.

Knowledge, or better said, a deeper understanding of how things work, makes us feel powerful. It gives us control over our environment and promises safety.

In many regards, this is true. Natural catastrophes, predatory animals, and many diseases have indeed far less impact on us these days.

But there are also limits to how far understanding everything is actually beneficial. And that’s what this post is about.

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Why Thinking Everything Through Feels Safe

For most of my life, I was a head-centered person. I wanted to understand everything, including myself. That was all fine up to a certain point.

But as we all know... sometimes life throws shit at us, so bad that we question our reality.

During those dark days, I got a better idea about my childhood and the dysfunctional family dynamics I grew up in.

I read every book I could find just to make sense of my past.

For a while, that actually worked. But then all the feelings I buried deep for such a long time came to the surface again.

• Why am I feeling that bad?

• What’s wrong with me?

Questions like these raced through my mind, and I was spiralling down to darker and darker places.

I not only questioned my past and everything I thought I understood. I questioned myself up to my bare existence.

You know... self-doubt easily turns into a force that eats you from the inside out. That’s when you learn the limits of logic and rationalising things...

All those years before, I never really touched those limits. That’s because I was still able to suppress all my painful feelings. Being in my head made me feel safe enough to function in this world.

But of course it only worked for so long...

Feelings Don’t Need to Make Sense

Feelings do not need to make sense. Actually, we usually have no problem feeling all the positive feelings. Also, we mostly don’t question them.

With negative feelings, that can be a whole other story. The reason for that is that they sometimes can feel life-threatening. Other times, they make us feel like we’re losing control, which, of course, can be a big problem when you have not learned to let go, yet.

One thing all feelings have in common is:

They come and go. No feeling lasts forever.

The more you ruminate about why you have this or that negative feeling, the longer it tends to last. Until you are so exhausted from all the thinking that you either fall asleep or just feel empty.

In a way, the underlying process kinda teaches you to let go of trying to think your way out and instead reconnect with your feelings again.

Once you’ve learned the lesson, life will improve for the better. You upgraded your game from being head-centered to being able to both feel and think.

Understanding Has Its Limits

Rationalising things still makes sense up to some point. Of course, this only works when you don’t use thoughts to push your feelings away. Feeling and thinking want to coexist, peacefully...

Or in other words: We need a healthy balance.

For me, it helped quite a lot to understand how my parents became the way they were. I found the answer in generational trauma that was passed onto them, and that they never really became aware of.

Of course, that didn’t justify their behaviour. But it explained it and let me understand that it was never about me. I just happened to be born into a traumatised family system.

I know I can neither change what happened nor change how my family sees and treats me. This understanding only served to finally find peace with myself.

Healing Comes From Integration

Looking back on my healing journey, allowing myself to feel and making sense of my story to some degree were just pieces of a far greater puzzle.

It’s a bit difficult to explain. But the moment you reconnect to your feelings and allow yourself to feel all of them, your perception of the world changes.

The need to rationalise everything fades so smoothly that you probably will recognise that in hindsight.

The best way to describe it is that you get the lightness of an innocent child back. At the same time, you also use your brain and naturally make use of all your experiences and knowledge without it being a burden.

In a way that leads to integrating everything that happens in and around you. A bit like you are becoming whole again...

Learning to Trust Life

At one point, you will understand that you don’t need to be in control of life. Of course, you still have to brush your teeth, watch the traffic lights, and so on....

What I mean is that you will come to the understanding that life can happen for you and that you do not need to force it in some direction just to be safe.

We all know that life can change every second. Sometimes it’s for the better, and other times things can get worse or even tragic.

The thing is, with letting go of the wish to control and rationalising everything, you open up to life and leave survival and just functioning mode. You start to live life, if that makes sense.

Looking at nature makes this a bit clearer. Every animal is prepared for life, doesn’t need to force things, and just follows the natural flow.

We humans, are very capable of that as well. All it takes is to integrate all our parts.

I know it sounds easy, especially when you had a tough childhood, but it’s possible. The body, mind, and soul can heal miraculously if you step out of the way and let go of the desire to always be in control.

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