We Got It Wrong. There Is No Glory in Suffering.

The Lies We’ve Been Telling Ourselves for Far Too Long

Today's newsletter is kind of a rant. I recently got several comments suggesting that the suffering, which I stated in my scapegoat stories, was worth it. Like I got so many beautiful lessons out of it…

I found this quite disturbing.

All the suffering and abuse involved was definitely no fun. Even though most of my trauma wounds healed, scars remain. And I didn't mention all the sleepless nights and depressive episodes that were part of my healing process.

Saying that suffering was "worth it” reminded me of my father when he told me that he beat me up because he loves me so much. At that moment, I wished he had never loved me. And the same goes for all the other useless suffering. I wish it had never happened.

I understand that punishment sometimes is the last option to limit crime and maintain public order. Suffering caused by punishment can serve higher purposes. But that's not the suffering people usually praise you for unless your name is Nelson Mandela…

The glorification of suffering runs deeply in our societies. I almost wanted to ask what is wrong with people until I looked in the mirror and realized that I am not free from it either.

What suffering is glorified for

Suffering as a great teacher

This is probably the most common reason suffering is praised for.

People who have made it through hardship are often admired for their strength and resilience as if pain were the teacher who shaped them. But this is wrong on several levels.

What is with all the “weaker” people who did not make it through the struggles and ended up broken, with all hope lost? If suffering were a great teacher, this wouldn't have happened.

What if the real reason why people made it through tough times was actually that they were strong before or had lots of support? Then suffering was no teacher at all.

And then there is the question of what makes a good teacher?

My grandfather told me many stories about the violence his school teachers used back then. Parts of his outer ear were missing because of that…

Sad story. Luckily, there have been lots of improvements in the education system since then. And even for dog training, it is widely known that there are far more effective methods than letting your beloved paw friend suffer.

Long story short: Yes, suffering can be a teacher. But there are so many better options

Suffering as a path to spiritual awakening

In some spiritual circles and religions, suffering is almost celebrated as something divine. Just think of the Jesus story or self-castigating monks.

During the so-called dark night of the soul, people face their demons and go through something that is called ego-death. That may sound cute, but it usually means pure horror and endless nightmares.

Basically, it is nothing that you want to experience. And it is only one of the many ways in which people reported they got spiritually awakened.

Of course, you can be happy once you've made it out of the dark and left it all behind you. But it doesn't make your awakening any better than that of all the people who got it in a much softer way.

The only thing that suffering did was add more drama. It makes for a better story to tell. There are not that many hero stories that can do without suffering.

In the end, it is the question of whether you really want to invite suffering into your life to show your hero marks later. If your answer is yes, then there might be some glory in suffering for you.

But then it is still the question of how much you will actually enjoy your hero marks. Inviting suffering is a bit like doing self-harm. And that's usually a thing people do not find so glorious.

I suffered, therefore I am worthy

This is the point where I have to admit my own guilt in glorifying suffering.

I followed the herd. And like anyone else around me, I praised myself for working hard. But not only that, I was proud that I stood my ground in a quite toxic company environment.

I hoped that all the suffering would be worth it, and my boss would finally see my value. Well, he saw it all the time and used it plenty.

He didn't need to give me any reward or treat me better, because he knew I would take it. Easy game for him. Why should he have changed…

The bubble of glory burst when I finally had enough and decided to apply for a new job. I found a company and a boss who actually valued my work.

I loved working there. Working without suffering turned out to be way more fun and was even better rewarded.

Honestly, I felt quite a bit stupid for having kept the previous job for far too long. But at least I was happy that I lost an illusion and stepped a bit out of my naivety.

Do we need suffering?

Suffering is part of the human experience, and it will probably always be. We cannot avoid it completely, but we do everything we can to reduce it.

That is why we have invented hospitals, weather forecasts, and countless machines.

I see no point in inviting suffering or even glorifying it.

When you suffer, the healthy response is to get out of it as quickly as possible. So if there is any lesson in suffering, then this is exactly that.

As humans, we are social animals. We need each other, and we help each other. This is how we became strong as a species.

For me, the real glory lies in reducing the suffering.

Our history books have more pages about people who destroyed than about those who created lasting peace. Ironically, it is often the ones who brought the most suffering that end up glorified.

Maybe it is time to stop glorifying suffering and honor empathy and compassion instead.