Notes To Myself - Setting Boundaries V
What Happens When You Start Setting Boundaries
Many of us start by setting firmer boundaries once we find out that our lives cannot go on like they used to.
We are tired of people taking advantage of us, treating us with disrespect, and rarely seeing us for who we really are.
We want to be who we really are. And with boundaries, we draw a line for what is okay for us and feels safe, and what we would rather keep at a distance.
This all sounds fine. From my own experience, I can tell you that setting boundaries is a wonderful medicine.
But yes, there is a catch… medicines come with side effects and tend to taste bitter the more effective they are.
No different with boundaries.
Let’s start with the more challenging part first, so that at the end, you know what it’s all worth.
You Start Feeling Guilty
I remember when my 74-year-old neighbour broke her leg. She asked me for help. I was glad to support her since it was little things.
But then she asked for more and more, and even messaged me at midnight for something that was not urgent at all.
That’s when it dawned on me that I need to keep her a bit at a distance. Because otherwise, she would take more and more advantage of me.
In my head, this logic made total sense. But when she called me again for help, I instantly felt under pressure. How could I say no to a poor old person who desperately needs my help?
I was really torn. First, I couldn’t say no and just told her that later I would care about things when I am less busy.
Well, she found someone else to help her. After all, she wasn’t as poor and helpless as a tiny but persistent little voice in my head wanted me to believe.
In a way, the feeling of guilt we carry in us is like a demon that we have to get out of its shadow to take its power away.
You Might Face Massive Resistance
Setting boundaries with my family was one of the hardest and most painful things I have tried in my life. It didn’t work as I had hoped, and in the end, the only option left for me was to walk away.
If you want to know more, I shared my story here:
In dysfunctional family systems, every child has an assigned role. Once you set boundaries and thus claim to have your own life, you will face severe backlash from the system.
For me, it was hard to understand that once I refused to play my role, the family system was about to break apart. Not because of my power, but because my role as the family scapegoat was needed to stabilise the family.
They needed someone to put their shame and guilt on, as they couldn’t deal with themselves.
The following saying makes pretty much sense in that regard:
The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.
You Will Lose Some People Along The Way
The new problem you will have when you start setting boundaries is that they only work when you set consequences.
So if someone oversteps your boundaries several times, you keep more distance from them, become less available, and share less with them.
Often, there are no hard feelings involved. It’s more like you find out that you don’t want to have those people close to you.
Some relationships then can get a little colder as if the other person is more of a remote stranger.
Of course, it doesn’t always have to be like this. In the end, it’s more about who aligns with the changes you are going through and who becomes a person you used to walk the path with in the past.
You See People More Clearly For Who They Are
It’s fascinating how people will deal with the boundaries you start setting.
Some will take it surprisingly well. They might even congratulate you for finally learning to say no. They welcome the clarity that comes with setting your boundaries.
And then of course there are others who don’t appreciate that too much. That’s when you get a taste of how some try to manipulate or gain control over you.
It doesn’t always have to be that serious. Just take charity collectors as an example. They know how well guilt tripping works to make you donate money for a good cause…
Some people may play an indirect game and use other people to put pressure on you in a subtle way. Flying monkeys fall into that category…
Often, you only see those games for what they are once you offer some friction and don’t easily go along with expectations that do not feel right to you.
People Will Respect You More
Now, let’s come to the positive aspects of setting boundaries, which you often may experience pretty soon.
In a somewhat healthy environment, most people will have exactly zero problem with you having boundaries.
Take cats, for example. They know pretty well what they like and don’t like. They communicate that clearly and rarely compromise. It’s often even difficult to bribe them with delicious treats.
But all that is what cats are so much loved for. There is no second-guessing. When a cat loves you, she shows it. And when she doesn’t, you’ll be happy not being too close to her.
By setting boundaries, you show people who you are.
And somehow this tends to also work with strangers. I don’t know how to put this in words, but it’s a bit like they sense that you started to respect yourself and somehow mirror that to you.
Maybe it’s rather a matter of perception. Because once you feel safe within your boundaries, you naturally only let those people come close to you who respect you. And that’s who you end up seeing more of.
You Have More Energy And Peace
You have no idea how draining some people can be unless you start setting boundaries and by doing so protecting your energy.
Even when in the beginning you may feel guilty to say no to something you don’t want, you will find out what the cost of having said yes would have been.
For me, it was quite a surprise how much more peaceful life started to feel. In the beginning, this can feel a bit empty or boring. But let me tell you that these are just withdrawal symptoms from the chaos you endured for so long.
Once you have tasted the sweet honey of peace, you will actually become quite allergic to chaos.
You Begin To Understand Who You Are
Setting boundaries usually starts with small things first.
You quickly learn that saying no and choosing who you let closer to you doesn’t hurt and actually improves your life.
You become more sensitive to where your boundaries really are and set them accordingly.
The amazing thing is that by doing so, you get more of an idea of who you really are.
In a way, setting boundaries is a journey to yourself.
Before You Go…
At what point in life did you realise that you needed to set firmer boundaries?
If you feel comfortable sharing, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.
For the last three years it feels like I'm setting boundaries, some small, some big... Only one big stays in place (so far), but it's the most recently put so I don't know for how long it will be respected, the others dismissed and every day I put them back on- I can't do the final step yet which is to put distance.
Lately I'm exasperated with the continuous invasion of a fundamental boundary that goes on for more than 20 years: to not be lied to, to not be manipulated, to not be reduced, to not be played. For the first ... invaders I took actions. For the recent ones, currently I'm trying to not fall, to stay alive and sane.