The Day When I Finally Had Enough

Rejecting the guilt that was not mine

Today I start telling my story.

It is not about letting steam off. Have done that already in the past and filled several journals with it.

When I was walking through a very dark phase in my life I craved for other people’s stories.

I hoped to get an idea about what was going on with me and why some patterns always kept repeating. And even more importantly, I wanted to know how to get out of my misery.

Finding helpful information was difficult and mostly of an academic nature. Nothing wrong with that. It helped me a lot to make sense of what was going on in my life.

I longed for something with a human touch, to feel that things are real and not just a concept in a workbook.

With my story, I want to show that you are not alone.

I am writing this not only for you but also for myself. It is a story that I wish I could have read years ago.

It would have helped me regain the hope that I, too, could make it through the darkness like others had before me.

Without further ado here is the story...

It was early morning when my mother called me. I knew what she was about to say.

Anger was rising in me. I didn’t want to pick up the phone. But at the same time, I knew that I couldn’t avoid this call forever.

So I took a few deep breaths and tapped the accept button....

---

I was in a very difficult phase. Had lost two jobs in a row.

Well, lost is not the right word. I was actually bullied out of two companies. Somehow I attracted bosses who had quite narcissistic traits and did not give much about labor laws and the contract we had signed.

I went to court two times, won both cases, got a golden handshake but exhausted my last remaining energies.

Especially the second time I got kicked out hit me quite unexpectedly.

After the first, I thought I had learned my lesson. So I took extra care to choose a decent company with a decent boss.

The first few months felt like my plan worked out. I even got a promotion with a nice salary raise. It felt like I finally arrived in safe waters.

And then my boss was replaced by a new guy.

It felt like a cruel cosmic joke.

Same story, different day...

It was as if I couldn’t escape a destiny I had never chosen.

The incoming call from my mother felt just like that, too.

---

“Tim, if you don’t apologize to your brother, you will lose him forever”, my mother screamed into the phone.

She didn’t even ask for my version of the story.

Her truth was simple. In her mind, my brother never lies.

She had no idea how wrong she was with that. But she badly wanted to believe this as if it was something sacred.

---

After losing my second job I was done with corporate life.

Luckily the golden handshake I fought for at court bought me time. It allowed me to think about what I wanted to do with my life.

At the same time, my brother started his own business. He needed help. I agreed to support him without anything in return.

Things went well for a while until I saw some problems coming. I asked him what to do.

He demanded solutions from me and made it clear that he didn’t want to hear about problems.

That was quite a sobering experience. Had not expected that from a family member especially after my support was just a favor.

Things went further downhill from there.

He didn’t accept that I had no expertise in the problem area and that I did not want to put my money down the line.

Instead, he kept insisting that I deliver solutions.

I got tired of his game and called it quits. After all, I owed him nothing.

He didn’t take it well now that he had to deal with his problems on his own.

I hoped that leaving would bring back my peace. Instead, he took the opportunity to use me as a scapegoat yet another time.

I was an easy target. Blaming me always worked for him. Neither of my parents ever questioned his reality.

He knew this. I didn’t want to see it and held on to the hope that he would eventually change for the better.

But he never did.

This time I finally had enough. I didn’t swallow down my anger yet again. Instead, I chose to see the truth for what it was.

---

“If this is the way it is, then I don’t care. My brother can leave me alone", I replied to my mother with a voice that left no room for doubt.

„And so can you“ I wanted to add. But I bit my tongue.

Years earlier I had cut my father out of my life. It was a tough decision tho he made it easy for me. But that’s another story...

Up to that point, I felt my mother was the closest person in my life.

Yes, some things were a bit off. Also, several people indicated that my mother may not be the person I believed her to be.

Still, I wanted to be absolutely sure that if I cut her out of my life I would never regret it.

I needed to find out who my mother really was.

And that my dear reader will be the subject of the next chapter....