Know Your Red Flags

How to connect with your body and rebuild a feeling of safety

Recently, I stumbled on one of those “how to spot a narcissist” posts. This time, it made me smile. Not because I am above it, but because I have been at that place, too.

A few years ago, I began to understand how deeply the abuse from my narcissistic family had traumatized me. So I did what many of us do at this early stage of the healing process.

I learned about every red flag of narcissism I could find. It became almost an obsession. I hoped that all the knowledge would help me to spot danger early enough, so I wouldn't get hurt again.

But things just got worse, way worse… and this is not an understatement.

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I began to see narcissists all around me. It felt like a curse, as if I had become a magnet for them. Almost every new person I had to deal with fulfilled several narcissists' criteria on my memorized checklist.

So I became extremely careful with what I said and revealed about myself. I did not want to provide any potential angle of attack.

But ooooh boy, this constant checking for red flags and holding my guard up drained me so much. At one point, I wished I could have just avoided all human interactions.

Animals were fine, tho. A dog that approaches you with a wagging tail is safe. The same goes for cats that just want a belly rub, or squirrels that kindly ask for nuts.

Why scanning for red flags is a problem

Every race driver knows about the target fixation problem. It basically says that you hit what you look at (no matter how much you try to avoid the crash). So when you don't want to hit the car in front of you, look where you want to go instead.

With scanning for red flags, it is no different. The more you focus on them, the more you will see them. And it is even worse when your trauma wounds haven’t healed yet, and you run around in hypervigilant mode.

Yes, your brain will make sure that you spot every narcissist. But you may be so sensitive to smoke that you start smelling a wildfire everywhere. You begin to see too many false positives.

Better safe than sorry is the mode your brain is operating on. It uses all its power to protect you, and that's exactly what makes the whole thing so exhausting.

So what's the solution, you may ask?

Should you just forget about all the red flags as if they never existed?

Of course, the answer is no. But let me explain in more detail.

How to deal with red flags in a healthy way

There is nothing wrong with red flags. They can provide valuable information and protect you from harm.

The problem lies in how you recognize them.

Ideally, red flag alerts pop up naturally in you. They're a bit like instincts, as if something feels just wrong or off in a way you can't quite explain yet.

The thing is that you don't need to make sense of the signals you get. There are reasons why someone doesn't feel right for you. You don't need to know the reasons. Also, you don't need to justify your feelings to yourself.

Just accept your feelings as a messenger and don't push them away.

That's the key, simple as that (in theory).

But that is probably not how it works for you. And it wasn't for me either.

I felt blind to all the red flags, tho they sounded so familiar when I read about them. It surprised me that there wasn't any new information for me. I just wondered how I could not see the obvious for so long.

And then it dawned upon me.

There was always this little voice in me that gave me signals. But somehow my mind silenced this voice with thoughts like these:

• It isn't that bad

• We all have faults, and this was just an exception

• He did not mean it this way

• I am overreacting

• I am just a small potato, and they are so much wiser

In other words, I learned to push my feelings away and tried to make sense of my world by rationalising. It became a survival strategy.

I learned to look away. This was the only option to function in a dysfunctional family system. If I had let my feelings come through during my childhood, they would simply have overwhelmed me.

This sounds like an abstract concept.

I got quite a good taste of how intense things were when old memories of my childhood came to the surface again. At some point, the emotional pain was so terrible that I wished I could have just left my body.

Learning to feel again without being overwhelmed

In a way, it was good that interacting with people became so exhausting.

The logical consequence was to withdraw from people and spend more time in solitude. I was not happy with this, and it made me feel quite miserable.

At least I started to feel again. That was already one big thing.

But the real magic in solitude lies in simply being with yourself. No noise from the outside. Nobody is telling you what to think, do, or whatever. Only you with all the voices in your head.

I listened to all of them.

It was a pure horror show. I heard about how bad and miserable a person I was.

I almost wanted to believe these voices, like I believed my parents for so long. But then I recognized that there were also softer voices in my head. They were not loud, and they did not need to shout.

They told me things about myself that I had never heard anyone say. Like I was a good guy, that I actually have value, and that there is nothing I need to be ashamed of.

I loved listening to these voices. They were so soothing. They felt like coming from a family I never had, like an older brother who really cares about me and wants to see me shine.

Maybe these voices were just a reflection of how I deep down wanted to see myself. But maybe I was already actually like that and just listened to the wrong voices most of my life.

There were periods of doubt about myself and about the nature of these voices. But then I recognized that listening to the soft voices let me sleep better and gave me overall more peace.

And then it happened….

Suddenly, people greeted me on my daily walk to the supermarket. Hadn't happened in all the years before. Children started smiling at me for no reason.

The world around me became more peaceful as if what I experienced on the inside now showed up on the outside. I could not really comprehend that, but I started seeing so many beautiful things around me.

I was baffled by how lovely young mothers care about their children, as if they really matter to them. No signs of narcissism at all. Just like a perfect world…

This went on for weeks, and I thought I had entered a totally new life. But then it dawned on me that I just got to experience healthy social dynamics.

And that was the missing key…

All I needed was to experience a healthy and welcoming environment. Big green flags, so to speak…

Recently, I encountered a full-blown narcissist when entering a small family-owned shop. Luckily, I was not his target. But man… this guy was so off the charts that every cell in my body just asked for distance.

What struck me the most was how familiar it felt. He reminded me so much of some family members. But even more surprising was how strongly repelled I felt. It is amazing what a few positive experiences and allowing my inner voices to come through again can do.

In a nutshell:

Your body needs rest. Spend time in solitude to start hearing your inner voices again. Be gentle with yourself until you find peace within you. Once you have access to all your feelings again, be curious about what is happening around you.