Notes to Myself: Setting Boundaries II
How to notice when your boundaries are crossed
Setting boundaries sounds so easy when you read about it. We just say no when we mean it, and that's how we keep our distance from people who are no good for us.
Of course, this can only work when we notice that our boundaries have been crossed right when that happens. Only then can we protect them and stop a situation from going too far. Otherwise, we would replay everything in our heads, which probably wouldn't change much.
This episode is about how to notice potential boundary crossings early.
The good thing is, we don't need to know our boundaries in detail before we start. In most cases, our body reacts before the mind fully understands what is happening.
In simple terms, you can imagine boundaries as a fence around your house. Inside that fence is your home, the place where you feel safe.
You only let people on your property whom you trust and feel safe with.
If a stranger tries to enter, you naturally become alert and feel less safe. That's direct signals coming from your body. Your brain kicks in after that and tries to make sense of the situation.
It’s very similar when our boundaries are crossed. Our bodies often notice it first.
If we learned as children to suppress our feelings, those signals do not fully reach our awareness. They are rather silent voices. But they are there. All we need to hear them is to pay a little more attention to what is going on inside us.
Something Is Off
In the aftermath, the red flags people have raised for us are clear. We wonder how on Earth we could have missed the very obvious.
But if we're honest, we often didn't miss them completely. We noticed that something was strange. Our brain couldn't explain it, so we decided to push it away.
This is basically how intuition speaks to us.
It often doesn't use words but gives us a tight feeling in the stomach, interrupts our thoughts, or just makes us wonder why we can't make sense of the current moment. It's a bit like a sudden cut in the movie we are watching before the scene gets back to normal. A short flicker, as if reality had some kind of glitch…
You don't need to make sense of these sensations. All you need is to listen and be open to the signals. So instead of pushing them away, take a short note or reflect on them in your diary. This way you bring more attention to your body. And by doing so, you will recognise these signals more and more clearly.
So in case something feels off, allow yourself more space and go more slowly. We often understand the signals we were getting better once we feel completely safe again.
You Feel the Need to Explain Yourself
With some people, conversations are very difficult. You feel as if they misunderstand you all the time. And no matter how much you try to explain yourself, things don't get better.
But then it's also the question of why there is a need to explain yourself. If a person would accept you for who you are, they would listen to your points. They might not like or agree to all your points. But that's still different from questioning you as a person.
You don't need to explain who you are and justify your boundaries. Nobody would ask why you have a fence around your property, either. Because you simply have those boundaries to show this is me, or this is my property. No need to explain why it's your property or personal boundary. Such discussions usually do not lead anywhere.
So, if you feel that your boundaries are being questioned, you already have the idea that someone is about to cross them.
Pause for a moment. Allow yourself more space, go more slowly until you feel calmer and in your power again.
You Feel Guilty, Angry, or Drained
My grandfather never could say no when his neighbors asked him to repair something for them. The pattern was always the same. When he packed his tools and was about to go to the neighbor, he was already slightly angry. And after he came back from the repair, he was furious about how ungrateful his neighbor was, or that they showed no respect to him.
With my grandfather, I could see the pattern clearly. I wondered why he did not see it himself.
And then I had a very similar experience. My neighbor broke her leg. In the beginning, she asked me for small things, and I was glad to help. But then her requests got bigger and bigger. I still wanted to be a good person and help someone in need.
Helping her slowly turned into an unspoken obligation. When she called me for help, I almost felt reluctant. And after I got back, I felt the anger rising in me.
Funny how that pattern goes…
Suddenly, I understood my grandfather and decided not to keep that story ongoing. Instead, I took my anger as a lesson and made sure I reduced the contact with my neighbor as much as possible.
The same goes when you suddenly feel guilty, although you have done nothing wrong. Like when you have to say no to somebody.
There is no problem with feeling guilty. After all, it's a signal. And when someone makes you feel guilty for protecting yourself, it should ring your alarm bells and make you aware of a possible boundary crossing.
The same goes when you feel drained in your interactions with others. You may not know where it is coming from. But it's a signal that you are losing energy and that your boundaries might be leaking.
Rationalising or Overthinking a Situation
When we feel safe, life is easier and lighter. We don't need to watch our guard all the time as if we are in survival mode.
However, if we don't feel safe, our brain is doing its best to protect us. It analyses everything around and classifies information. If it finds potential dangers, it will run simulations of what might happen in the worst case and how we could react.
That's basically what overthinking is. It only stops when we are either tired or feel safe again.
This also means that when we notice ourselves overthinking or overly rationalising things, something is off balance.
Time to pause for a moment and ask whether we still feel safe within our boundaries. If not, it can be a clear sign that they were either overstepped or severely violated.
So basically, when you notice that you are no longer connected to your feelings and are only in your mind, it may be a sign that one of your boundaries has been crossed.
Before You Go…
As announced in the previous newsletter, I am currently working on a test to help people better understand how strong or weak their boundaries are.
Quite a few lovely readers have shown interest and said they would like to try it.
The test should be ready by the end of this week.
If you’d also like to join the pilot group and haven’t told me yet, just leave me a comment below.
To everything you want to try, my constant response is "count me in" or... "where do I sign?" :-)
About today's magnificent piece: If I had one euro for every replay in my head, I would be ridiculously rich today...
When I started delivering my first "no", it was with great guilt, a racing heartbeat, and a lot of explaining, which was completely wasted anyway.
Then, I tried excuses...which were not real for me, but I knew they made sense to them, so they would stop questioning me. But this eroded my soul.
Now, I only announce. It feels hard because it was not supposed to be this way, or the people I announce my boundaries to and close my gates straight in their faces. It hurts. But it became the only way.
I still explain and always will to those who matter to me. To them, I will answer to their every single "why?" since they only want to understand, not to question me or my boundaries.