To everything you want to try, my constant response is "count me in" or... "where do I sign?" :-)
About today's magnificent piece: If I had one euro for every replay in my head, I would be ridiculously rich today...
When I started delivering my first "no", it was with great guilt, a racing heartbeat, and a lot of explaining, which was completely wasted anyway.
Then, I tried excuses...which were not real for me, but I knew they made sense to them, so they would stop questioning me. But this eroded my soul.
Now, I only announce. It feels hard because it was not supposed to be this way, or the people I announce my boundaries to and close my gates straight in their faces. It hurts. But it became the only way.
I still explain and always will to those who matter to me. To them, I will answer to their every single "why?" since they only want to understand, not to question me or my boundaries.
It's mostly hard because you are not fully used to it yet and in the past probably have been punished for that. It's a bit like when a dog was hit with a leash… the moment it sees a leash it twitches… and takes some time to unlearn that reflex…
Same goes for guilt…
But… once you accept that guilt is not real, as you have done nothing wrong, you can carry this unpleasant feeling long enough for it to fade eventually.
Excellent post Tim. This really hits hard as to how I felt during cancer treatment. I could not make sense of what was happening but I knew something was definitely "off". I wanted to look into the situation but because I was so ill and exhausted from chemo I told myself it had to wait until I was doing better. How I wish I had a do over as when I later got copies of my medical records I discovered a shocking trail of lies and deception put onto my medical records. These lies were on my records because my scapegoating eldest sister covertly made phone calls to the doctors I had to see to denigrate me, back stab and carry out a smear campaign. If I had gotten copies of the records the moment I realized something was "off" I could have stemmed some of the harm that was inflicted on me. By the time I discovered the records much harm had already been inflicted. I learned when something feels "off" you must pay attention quickly and not brush it aside.
I know how much it can hurt that we cannot change the past.
At one point I was so done that I closed the door of the past and just tried to find better doors for the future. That's when things slowly changed to get better.
Wishing you all the best to find better doors that you want to be open for the light to enter…
Well... there is also this saying: The teaching appears when the student is ready.
Maybe information was all around you and you just couldn't see. Looking back it's fascinated how we had blind spots in some areas that now are so easy to see.
But that also means we learned a lot along the way.
To everything you want to try, my constant response is "count me in" or... "where do I sign?" :-)
About today's magnificent piece: If I had one euro for every replay in my head, I would be ridiculously rich today...
When I started delivering my first "no", it was with great guilt, a racing heartbeat, and a lot of explaining, which was completely wasted anyway.
Then, I tried excuses...which were not real for me, but I knew they made sense to them, so they would stop questioning me. But this eroded my soul.
Now, I only announce. It feels hard because it was not supposed to be this way, or the people I announce my boundaries to and close my gates straight in their faces. It hurts. But it became the only way.
I still explain and always will to those who matter to me. To them, I will answer to their every single "why?" since they only want to understand, not to question me or my boundaries.
It's mostly hard because you are not fully used to it yet and in the past probably have been punished for that. It's a bit like when a dog was hit with a leash… the moment it sees a leash it twitches… and takes some time to unlearn that reflex…
Same goes for guilt…
But… once you accept that guilt is not real, as you have done nothing wrong, you can carry this unpleasant feeling long enough for it to fade eventually.
Excellent post Tim. This really hits hard as to how I felt during cancer treatment. I could not make sense of what was happening but I knew something was definitely "off". I wanted to look into the situation but because I was so ill and exhausted from chemo I told myself it had to wait until I was doing better. How I wish I had a do over as when I later got copies of my medical records I discovered a shocking trail of lies and deception put onto my medical records. These lies were on my records because my scapegoating eldest sister covertly made phone calls to the doctors I had to see to denigrate me, back stab and carry out a smear campaign. If I had gotten copies of the records the moment I realized something was "off" I could have stemmed some of the harm that was inflicted on me. By the time I discovered the records much harm had already been inflicted. I learned when something feels "off" you must pay attention quickly and not brush it aside.
I know how much it can hurt that we cannot change the past.
At one point I was so done that I closed the door of the past and just tried to find better doors for the future. That's when things slowly changed to get better.
Wishing you all the best to find better doors that you want to be open for the light to enter…
Thanks for your helpful advice. I wish I knew all this years' ago. However, it's never too late to mend fences.
Well... there is also this saying: The teaching appears when the student is ready.
Maybe information was all around you and you just couldn't see. Looking back it's fascinated how we had blind spots in some areas that now are so easy to see.
But that also means we learned a lot along the way.