Why you need a safe place to heal

Insights from my own healing journey

There was a strange pattern whenever I went on a backpacking trip. Somehow, I felt more alive and connected to the world the farther away I was from home.

I met many lovely people. Although they were strangers, they felt more like family than my actual relatives ever did.

For a long time, I had no idea why it was that way. I only wondered why it wasn’t the other way around. Shouldn’t family feel safe...?

Back then, I had already done a lot of healing work. I took Reiki classes, tried Yoga, and all sorts of energy healing. I hoped this would help to fill the emptiness I felt inside.

All these techniques did something for me. However, the effects never really lasted that long.

At one point, I was so frustrated with my life that I decided on the only option that seemed to work. I quit my job, sold almost everything I had, and decided to travel for a year.

Life was great during that year. The real surprise was how much energy distance from home and everything connected to it brought back into my life — an effect that lasted for years.

The journey wasn’t a final cure, but it confirmed what I already knew deep inside:

I needed distance from what drained me to heal.

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Chronic Stress Makes Healing Impossible

We all have a blind spot and often cannot see the obvious. Our modern lifestyle doesn’t make it any easier. We are constantly stressed and under tension. Somehow, we adapt to it — and in the process lose our sense of what is actually draining us.

The belief that you only have to work harder and more efficiently to finally get space doesn’t help much either.

The thing is that you cannot heal under stress and tension. For physical wounds, we know this very well. When you break your leg, you don’t try to run a marathon and allow more space to heal when there’s a better time for it...

Interestingly, mental health issues often become visible once the tension decreases. Like when we take a few days off to relax and wonder why we are so exhausted.

Working hard can almost feel like a drug, including the withdrawal symptoms. It’s quite incredible how much stress can push away things and how long you can function this way.

But it only works for so long. There is probably a reason why people burn out and why it’s not a stigma any longer (at least in some countries).

You Can’t Heal in a Toxic Environment

Stress is one factor that inhibits or slows down healing from trauma. Another big one is the environment you are in. With this, I mainly mean the people you spend time with.

When you’ve never really been loved and accepted for who you are, you never develop a sense of toxicity. For me, this showed up as emptiness and a deep feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Even before my long journey, I met people who were extremely kind and lovely to me. First, I thought there was something suspicious about them. There wasn’t... so I figured they must have been some of these very rare angel-like persons...

They weren’t... because I met more and more of them the farther away from home I was.

That’s basically how my sense for toxicity started to develop.

You need to keep physical wounds clean for them to properly heal. The same goes for wounds from a traumatic childhood.

Which brings me to the next point...

Healing Childhood Trauma Takes Time

Many of us only find out about the true nature of our childhoods in our 40s, 50s, 60s, or even later.

Such wounds go deep, which already tells you that they cannot heal within six weeks like a broken bone.

Nobody can really tell you how long your healing journey will take. However, it’s not a complete walk into the unknown. In my scapegoat healing journey series, for example, I describe which typical steps you’ll walk through.

The more you reduce negative stress and avoid toxicity, the better you will heal. I know this all sounds a bit abstract since you may not be fully aware of what stress and toxicity actually are for you.

In the end, it comes to understanding what you need to feel safe.

For this, ask yourself the following questions:

• What are your physical needs?

• What are your emotional needs?

• What are your biggest worries?

• What help do you need or would like to have to feel better?

• What would you need to have no worries for the next 2 years?

How to Create a Safer Life in Practice

Creating a Stable Foundation

For me, it was very important to have a financial cushion. I learned early in life that I couldn’t rely on my parents’ support. Also, I wanted freedom to leave a job in case it became unbearable.

Taking care of your body is even more important. Nobody wants to get sick. Eat healthy food, move your body, and take good care of it.

In that regard, your brain and eyes also need hygiene. Reduce your news intake. Most of what they present to you is irrelevant drama that has even lower nutritional value than the worst junk food. Try it for a week, and you will see how well you can do without that addictive stuff.

Finding Peace Outside

I don’t know why this is, but whenever I made a long hike or bicycle tour, I always felt at peace with myself and forgot about my worries. Nature is a healer. It's the place where we belong. It's also where we can use all our senses to the fullest and always find something to explore, no matter how small.

Feeling Safe Through Simple Bonds

Sometimes there are no like-minded people around. But there are usually chances to feed cats, ducks, birds, or walk a dog from an animal shelter. You will be surprised by how smart and empathic animals can be. They will easily remember when you treated them well.

I made friends with squirrels, gave them names, and fed them almost every morning. They learned to trust me and even eat out of my hand. It’s a special kind of connection and makes life feel good.

Presence Without Effort

We all have things we can do for hours and lose track of time, like when we were children. For some, it’s playing a musical instrument, writing, or other creative activity. It basically comes down to living in the moment and not questioning it or letting the mind take over control.

Recalibrating Your Sense of Safety With Others

We all have good and bad times. Sometimes people might need your support, other times you might need their support. That’s how healthy relationships work.

When I started my healing journey, I did not really know who drained my energy. I was a people pleaser and naturally gave more than I would have ever dared to receive. In other words, I was used to getting my energy drained.

It helped to ask myself how I felt right after I spent time with family or so-called friends. Often, I couldn’t tell. But that also meant that they didn’t uplift me.

One time, I visited friends and played board games with their young children. The kids are so excited about that. And somehow that excitement spilled over and uplifted me even the day after.

The whole point of this exercise is to recalibrate your sense of what is giving you energy and what might potentially be toxic for you.

Unless you aren't totally sure, rather reduce contact instead of cutting off people too lightly. Real friends will understand that you currently need some „me time“.

All the above is to get a better idea about your energy levels and to increase them. The higher your energy levels, the safer you will feel in life and the better your healing journey will progress.

Your nervous system, including your brain, might take some time to rewire. The first indication that you are actually at a safe place is that you get triggered less, overreact less, and overthink less.

All three of them were mechanisms you needed for survival. But when you feel safe, your nervous system can finally calm down. It doesn’t need to be in high alert mode anymore. And that’s when the tension releases and healing can do even more magical things for you.

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