Hi Tim—As I’m sure you know, every family is different and each scapegoating situation is different. —- In my situation it Was personal, how my mother felt about me and treated me. So first I had to thoroughly explore what it was to have a mother who hated everything about me for over 70 years, and thankfully I have learned along the way that there never Has been anything inherently wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with being Sensitive. —— So I started with years of studying what it’s like to have a Malignant Covert Narcissistic Mother and then I moved on to how she Scapegoated me and orchestrated how everyone else in the family saw me and treated me. My mother, who thankfully finally passed away at 95 a little over 2 years ago, was an extremely intelligent mastermind of illusion and deceit. And the power she had over my own highly educated siblings and adult children is nothing short of remarkable.——-And I agree, I don’t think either of my parents ever wanted to know anything about who their children really were, because they were so wrapped up in their own little “superior” world 🌎.
Yes, every situation is different in a way. However, it often is stunning how similar the underlying patterns are.
When I was looking for answers, I stumbled on the term "narcissism" and read everything I could find about it. Was quite shocking in how many stories I found my father as a grandiose narcissist but also other family members as covert narcissists.
Now I sometimes wonder why back then I couldn't see things for what they were... because they always have been overly clear. Well, for me it was normal life and that probably explains why I couldn't see it and thought something was wrong with me.
To cut it short... I think people who know the patterns can see them clearly tho each story has a bit of its own twist.
I would love to follow this journey that started today. Now my Tuesday evenings will be something to look forward to. I'm sure that I, and others like me, will find all the answers to difficult questions, as well as explanations for the unfortunate experiences we had. I'm sure that, by reading your writings, those who are still trapped in this role will be encouraged to step out of it, while the rest will get stronger and more confident, with a deeper understanding of the situation
I am also looking forward to Tuesdays, but for other reasons. One is having the relief that I got my work done. The other is lovely feedback like yours for example ☺️
When I started my healing journey, I wondered how others could know about what I was going through so well.... Sometimes it seems that similar situations turn out into similar patterns later... and when you look at it on a country / national level, we also have similar starting points...
Yess. I always used to think that life was to be suffered; it is so much better - and makes much more sense- to look upon it as a journey towards healing and oneness.
Thanks, this a great article Tim! I agree, I would like to know why my parents and siblings decided to scapegoat me. I have a basic idea but it's not a reason normal or healthy people would use against their child. I look forward to reading Part II.
The scapegoating from your siblings has little to do with you. The question is rather: Who needs a scapegoat and why do people do scapegoating?
Emotionally healthy / mature people would not do that. But when you take a closer look at narcissism you understand that these people are not able to admit faults and see themselves as "perfect". That is oversimplified. But when someone cannot carry his own guilt he puts guilt on someone else's back.
If you leave the family, they will find another scapegoat... because they need one. And they take whoever is "available". Often the scapegoat is the only empathic person in the family system. This being different makes him an easy target.
Part II of the scapegoat healing journey is already out. You can find it here:
Hi Tim—As I’m sure you know, every family is different and each scapegoating situation is different. —- In my situation it Was personal, how my mother felt about me and treated me. So first I had to thoroughly explore what it was to have a mother who hated everything about me for over 70 years, and thankfully I have learned along the way that there never Has been anything inherently wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with being Sensitive. —— So I started with years of studying what it’s like to have a Malignant Covert Narcissistic Mother and then I moved on to how she Scapegoated me and orchestrated how everyone else in the family saw me and treated me. My mother, who thankfully finally passed away at 95 a little over 2 years ago, was an extremely intelligent mastermind of illusion and deceit. And the power she had over my own highly educated siblings and adult children is nothing short of remarkable.——-And I agree, I don’t think either of my parents ever wanted to know anything about who their children really were, because they were so wrapped up in their own little “superior” world 🌎.
Yes, every situation is different in a way. However, it often is stunning how similar the underlying patterns are.
When I was looking for answers, I stumbled on the term "narcissism" and read everything I could find about it. Was quite shocking in how many stories I found my father as a grandiose narcissist but also other family members as covert narcissists.
Now I sometimes wonder why back then I couldn't see things for what they were... because they always have been overly clear. Well, for me it was normal life and that probably explains why I couldn't see it and thought something was wrong with me.
To cut it short... I think people who know the patterns can see them clearly tho each story has a bit of its own twist.
I appreciate this. As a bit of the family scapegoat myself, I can relate.
Thank you. 🙏
Sounds like I did a good job ☺️
Yes, you did!
Bear hugs 🧸🧸🧸
I would love to follow this journey that started today. Now my Tuesday evenings will be something to look forward to. I'm sure that I, and others like me, will find all the answers to difficult questions, as well as explanations for the unfortunate experiences we had. I'm sure that, by reading your writings, those who are still trapped in this role will be encouraged to step out of it, while the rest will get stronger and more confident, with a deeper understanding of the situation
Aaaw, thank you so much 🧸
I am also looking forward to Tuesdays, but for other reasons. One is having the relief that I got my work done. The other is lovely feedback like yours for example ☺️
🙂😊🧸
Thanks for articulating my predicament so lucidly.
Welcome and thanks for your supportive feedback 🤗
When I started my healing journey, I wondered how others could know about what I was going through so well.... Sometimes it seems that similar situations turn out into similar patterns later... and when you look at it on a country / national level, we also have similar starting points...
Yess. I always used to think that life was to be suffered; it is so much better - and makes much more sense- to look upon it as a journey towards healing and oneness.
👍
Thanks, this a great article Tim! I agree, I would like to know why my parents and siblings decided to scapegoat me. I have a basic idea but it's not a reason normal or healthy people would use against their child. I look forward to reading Part II.
The scapegoating from your siblings has little to do with you. The question is rather: Who needs a scapegoat and why do people do scapegoating?
Emotionally healthy / mature people would not do that. But when you take a closer look at narcissism you understand that these people are not able to admit faults and see themselves as "perfect". That is oversimplified. But when someone cannot carry his own guilt he puts guilt on someone else's back.
If you leave the family, they will find another scapegoat... because they need one. And they take whoever is "available". Often the scapegoat is the only empathic person in the family system. This being different makes him an easy target.
Part II of the scapegoat healing journey is already out. You can find it here:
https://infjacom.substack.com/p/scapegoat-healing-journey-part-ii
You can also click on my profil, open INFJ-A Reflections or click "Posts" to see other related posts.
Part III will be published next Tuesday.