Scapegoat Healing Journey - Part I
Learning about your scapegoat role and family system
Today I start something new, an experiment, so to speak. I want you, as a dear subscriber to this newsletter, to be part of it.
In the past, I wrote several posts about what it means to be the family scapegoat. Now I have decided to share a path with you on how to free and heal yourself from that role.
I don't have a professional background in medicine or psychology. However, I believe that sharing the experiences from my own healing journey will be helpful for many.
The series consists of six parts. A new part will be published every Tuesday.
Most of my life, I was wondering what was wrong with me. I never felt I belonged. Despite all my successes, I saw myself as low value, like I was somehow defective.
I couldn't put my suffering into words or point a finger at it. On the few occasions I tried, people either didn't understand me or told me I was too sensitive.
I wish I could have just gone to a doctor, the way you do when your body is sick. Even if you don't find the proper words for your pain, a doctor can usually piece together the symptoms and know where to look.
Scapegoating is different. It isn't written on your forehead or marked by clear symptoms. The cruel part is that your family often trains you to be silent and present the illusion of healthy family dynamics to the outside world.
When the illusion cracks, you are made aware of the problem. Whether guilty or not doesn't matter. As the family scapegoat, the blame always lands on you. You've been told it so many times that you either start to believe it or accept it as an unchangeable truth.
So you find yourself feeling empty inside, with no idea how to ask for help.
This might be the only feeling you truly notice. The chances are high that you're not fully connected to your body. I will come to that in part II. For today, I will stay in the territory the rational mind understands.
The Beginning Of Your Healing Journey
Scapegoating is more common than you might think. It's been around for ages. You can find stories about it in the Bible and even scientific research on it.
That's actually a good thing.
Even though you may feel alone, you are not.
Many others have suffered in similar ways, some even worse. Many have found a way out of their scapegoat role, showing that healing is truly possible.
At the beginning of your healing journey, it's important to learn as much as you can about family scapegoat abuse and the dynamics of a dysfunctional family system.
By learning, I mean reading books (5 books I recommend for your healing journey) and really diving deep into the above topics. Your mind needs to understand what scapegoating is and why parents scapegoat their own children.
So it's not about why you are the scapegoat. It's about why your parents and maybe other family members did scapegoating. Again, it's not about you here. In the beginning, you simply want to understand why scapegoating was done.
On a rational level, it's possible to take yourself out of the equation. If you find it difficult, the words projection and shame are worth studying in more depth. And yes, those are very complicated topics. I didn't say it will be easy…
But once you begin to understand, magic can unfold.
What if what was done to you had nothing to do with you as a person?
What if there was never anything wrong with you?
What if your parents never wanted to see who you really are?
These thoughts will confuse you and make you question your beliefs about yourself.
And yes, that's a good thing too at this stage.
Finding your way out of the scapegoat role is about discovering who you truly are.
For now, it may be hard to believe that there was never anything wrong with you. But once your curiosity wakes up, your mind will begin to search for answers and want to know what is real. It is a beautiful spark for the next steps on your healing journey.
Coming up next:
Before you go…
I would love to know from you if you found this post valuable and which aspects you would like me to cover in the next parts of this series.
You guessed it… the "Leave a comment” button is there for a reason. Would really appreciate it if you used it to share your thoughts and feedback.
Hi Tim—As I’m sure you know, every family is different and each scapegoating situation is different. —- In my situation it Was personal, how my mother felt about me and treated me. So first I had to thoroughly explore what it was to have a mother who hated everything about me for over 70 years, and thankfully I have learned along the way that there never Has been anything inherently wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with being Sensitive. —— So I started with years of studying what it’s like to have a Malignant Covert Narcissistic Mother and then I moved on to how she Scapegoated me and orchestrated how everyone else in the family saw me and treated me. My mother, who thankfully finally passed away at 95 a little over 2 years ago, was an extremely intelligent mastermind of illusion and deceit. And the power she had over my own highly educated siblings and adult children is nothing short of remarkable.——-And I agree, I don’t think either of my parents ever wanted to know anything about who their children really were, because they were so wrapped up in their own little “superior” world 🌎.
I appreciate this. As a bit of the family scapegoat myself, I can relate.