Breaking The Cycle Of Generational Trauma

Kindness as a key to finding peace with your past

I have always wondered why some people who experienced severe trauma in their childhoods are among the kindest and most loving people.

Yet others with similar experiences become bitter and remain frozen in this state. My grandfather was one of them. Even on his deathbed, he still held resentment that his parents hadn't allowed him to go to the school of his choice.

Image by Juan Pablo Serrano

In the following, I'll share how I moved past the resentment that came when I became aware of what really happened in my childhood. I'll also explain why kindness is a superpower that helps overcome generational trauma and finally break the cycle.

Bitterness and resentment are normal reactions

It is terrible what some parents do to their children. And it doesn't make it any better that society regards family as a holy institution that always acts in your best interest.

The pain deepens when no one believes your truth.

It feels like life hates you, and you can do nothing about it.

You feel trapped. All you want is to be heard and seen to ease your pain.

But no one is there to help you, again…

Anger rises. You want to fight the injustice that happened to you.

And this is a completely normal and healthy reaction.

They tell you to get over it and move on

The past is over; stop letting it control your life.

That advice will not help you at all.

Of course, you can try to push your painful memories away. You'd be in good company.

Many people turn to alcohol as an escape, hoping it'll ease their sorrow. But in the long run, this strategy doesn't work. It backfires.

And most likely, you've already tried to push your memories away. That is basically how you survived your childhood.

But now those memories came back to the surface. They don't want to be pushed away again. They need to be processed so that the body no longer needs to keep the score.

Understanding your family dynamics

It’s an important step to understand what happened in your childhood and realize that the trauma caused wasn't your fault.

There was nothing wrong with you.

You deserved a loving and caring family just as much as anyone else.

You were born into a dysfunctional family system that couldn't meet your basic needs for love, connection, and belonging.

In a way, you grew up as a powerless victim. You couldn't escape your family because your survival depended on somehow fitting in.

But a true understanding of the past goes deeper.

You can decide to see your caregivers as bad people. By doing so, you neglect the fact that what they did to you came from somewhere.

Would someone who grew up in a loving and caring environment have done to you what your parents did?

There's a saying that hurt people hurt people. And it carries a lot of truth.

Dig a little deeper into your family line to understand what shaped your parents and made them the way they were. It's often shocking how much trauma is passed down from generation to generation.

In a way, your caregivers are also victims. Of course, that doesn't justify anything they've done to you. But it helps explain… which brings me to the next point.

A misunderstanding about forgiveness

Forgiveness is a tricky word. Many people get it wrong. I was one of them.

I thought forgiving means becoming friends again and turning the other cheek, as if reconciliation was the goal.

But that's not what forgiveness is about.

Brene Brown explains this in her book Rising Strong as follows:

Forgiveness is a process of change in which the forgiver transforms feelings of anger and resentment into a more peaceful emotional state, not necessarily for the wrongdoer's benefit, but to promote emotional healing for themselves.

So, forgiveness is something you do for yourself to heal from the past and finally let it go. That is completely different from pushing it away, pretending to get over it, or simply moving on with life.

Understanding my parents’ past gave me a lot of clarity in this process. They repeated the trauma cycle that they inherited from my grandparents.

In part, they were even aware of that, but somehow couldn't find a healthy way out, which brings me to the next point.

From powerlessness to using your power

As children, we couldn't escape our situations. We were without power and had to rely on others to survive.

That changed once we learned to stand on our own two feet. We weren't dependent on our parents any longer. However, we'll still remember what it felt like to be powerless.

That's a moment when many stand at the crossroads…

There are basically three ways to deal with your past powerlessness.

You can compensate for it by exerting power over others. You can be passive, disconnecting from it all like a nihilist. Or, you decide to use your power to spread what you so wished for as an innocent child.

My parents chose the first option. They sought to have control over me to feel powerful. That didn't heal their own trauma, but it gave them some relief for as long as I remained part of the family.

Judging from my mother’s last emails, it is sad to see that she is stuck in bitterness. That reminds me much of my grandfather, who couldn't find peace even on his deathbed.

Sometimes I wish my family could see that they have the power to change their stories. Of course, they cannot change their past. Repeating old patterns again and again will not bring a different future. It just keeps the generational cycle going.

Why choosing kindness is the better option

Kindness is not the same as people pleasing. The latter is transactional. You please people to receive something, even if it is only for recognition or small tokens of love.

Kindness, on the other hand, means being friendly, generous, and considerate without expecting anything in return.

Of course, when someone disrespects you or abuses your kindness, you enforce your boundaries and maintain your distance.

Kindness also means carrying into the world what you wish to see. Kindness means leading by example and using the power within you for a greater purpose.

Bitterness is the opposite. It is a destructive force. First, it causes misery to those around you. Later, it consumes you and keeps you trapped in a prison of trauma that you may never escape.

Kindness helps you to break the cycle of generational trauma. It gives your story a new spin. Kindness is the walk out of darkness towards becoming the version of yourself you always longed for.

Kindness is contagious. It may take a while until it spreads. But the more you practise kindness, the more you will be able to see it all around you.

It was always there. And by breaking the generational cycle, you now resonate with it.