The INFJ door slam is quite a famous thing. It’s when an INFJ or a very sensitive person ends contact with someone seemingly abruptly. People who are affected by it are often stunned, as they neither saw it coming nor have any idea why the door slam happened to them.
Of course, from the perspective of an INFJ, things look totally different and actually do make sense. I’ve slammed the door a couple of times in my life. So I can speak from firsthand experience. But I also found healthier ways, which I will share with you below.
Why INFJs Slam The Door And Suddenly Go No Contact
Let’s forget about the term INFJ for a moment. Just imagine a very sensitive person with high levels of empathy. Someone who tends to see the good in others and gives them a second, third, and maybe fourth chance even when they messed up big time.
The thing with high levels of empathy is that you often understand why people behave in certain ways. You might even feel their pain to some degree.
You don’t want that. You want people to be without pain, because at some point you learned that other people’s pain can quickly become your pain, too.
So you try to be soft with them, as you don’t want to make their pain bigger than it already is.
But often you are not heard or taken seriously with that approach. To others, it may look like you are always forgiving or that their behavior didn’t matter that much to you. It’s a bit like they can walk all over you as if you were a rug...
But ultimately there comes a point when you can’t take it anymore. When you have swallowed down too much, explained yourself over and over again, and have to finally admit that all the chances you have given others to improve didn’t work.
That’s also the point when your pain is bigger than your empathy.
You are done with them. You know that another chance or explaining yourself again is pointless. You felt never heard or seen, so why should that be different now?
It’s pointless. That’s your conclusion. And the logical consequence is to end the contact. Everybody goes their own way, no hard feelings. All you crave is getting back your peace.
You set the ultimate boundary, because none of the things you have tried before worked. Going no contact is your last resort.
Why The Door Slam Hits Others by Surprise
The problem is that people who are not as sensitive and empathic as INFJs don’t recognise the stages before the door slam comes.
A typical sign is that the INFJ withdraws and becomes less available. Or that they seem to care less. And yes, that’s all subtle; nevertheless, it’s there.
People often don’t recognise it, as we kind of live in a loud world. It’s a bit like everything seems to be okay unless someone is shouting out their pain.
The next problem is that there is often a misunderstanding about people who are always kind and understanding no matter what. Some people see that as some kind of weakness and a free ticket to do whatever they want.
Little do they know that even the kindest person has their limits.
I guess it’s a bit in our nature that we tend to believe that others see the world with similar eyes as we do. So a rather rough-edged person might expect others to speak up loud, clearly, and maybe even a bit offensively when they are bothered by something.
It’s not that such a person cannot get along well with an INFJ. When both respect one another and feel accountable for their behavior, everything can still go very well. But it can become a problem when the relationship is one-sided, and the INFJ is taken too much advantage of or taken for granted.
Now that we have that, let's come to the point of how INFJs and very sensitive people with high levels of empathy can find healthier ways to avoid things escalating that far.