When Setting Boundaries Doesn’t Work

Notes to Myself on Pushback, Tested Boundaries, and Entitlement

When I learned about boundaries, I thought they were some kind of cure for almost everything.

Draw a circle around you in which you feel safe, stay in your power, and let people see who you really are. Keep those you don’t like at a distance and invite people you value and resonate with into your inner circle.

Well, much of that is true. Boundaries are indeed an excellent tool in so many regards. But like with everything, they don’t work for every situation, and they sometimes do fail.

Shocking news?

Not really.

I’m not going to debunk anything here. Rather, I will share with you some experiences and give you an idea of where you may need to adjust your strategy, especially when it comes to dealing with difficult people.

Let’s start with the easier parts first.

Image by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash

Innocent Pushback

When you begin setting firmer boundaries, you will experience pushback. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it will be unexpected, no matter how much you tried to prepare for it.

So instead of overthinking to the max before setting your boundary, take a few deep breaths to stay calm for what will be coming.

A few weeks ago, my neighbours invited me to their annual meet-up. I joined the last two years. They had a great time, while I felt like the odd one out. It’s not that I am shy of talking or having nothing to say. There was simply hardly any opportunity for me to say something, although I tried.

To cut a long story short. The whole event felt like a duty. And since I was a bit stressed out, I had no intention to join this year. So when asked whether I would join this year, I replied with a polite no.

Guess what happened...

My neighbours wanted to know the reason why. The first neighbour asked once. I shrugged and softly said that somehow I don’t want.

Neighbour accepted. Easy one...

A few days later, the next neighbour came with the same question. Not so easy this time. This time, shrugging and looking confused didn’t help.

"Somehow things are a bit too much for me currently, “ I mumbled.

It came rather spontaneously out of my mouth and was luckily accepted.

So in the end, nothing tragic here. However, when you start with setting boundaries, such moments can feel challenging. It may even seem that initially setting your boundary failed to work.

Kindly staying with your no and explaining that you don’t feel well with something usually is a reason enough for others.

Testing the Boundary

The next step up is when your boundaries are actually challenged.

Some people don’t accept a no easily.

Think of charity workers who collect money for a good cause they really believe in.

They know some tricks how to guilt-trip you a little, make you explain yourself, and make you no softer and softer...

There is no bad intention behind that. In other words, there is nothing personal about it.

You don’t have to play the game. You stay with your no and kindly ask to accept that. No more discussions... just standing your ground.

People do respect that. And from experience, I can tell you that this even works with street touts in India.

Of course, if you want, you can briefly explain why you (now) have that boundary. Just make sure you don’t get caught in a spiral of self-justification.

Entitled Or Manipulative Pushback

Now we get to the level where setting boundaries doesn’t work and can even backfire big time.

Boundaries are there to create clarity. However, in unhealthy relationships, they create conflict.

Some people will never respect you for who you are. They are only interested in what you can do for them and how they can keep you under their control.

That doesn’t sound healthy and of course isn’t.

Naturally, you don’t want to be in such settings. But sometimes you cannot always walk away from a job, a family system, or a partner you currently depend on.

Trying to set boundaries would directly collide with the control those people want to have over you. They will use every trick in the book to get you back on course.

All you can do is to stay calm, offer no friction or angle of attack, withdraw as much as possible, and avoid getting their attention on you.

Of course, that’s not a long-term strategy. It’s more of a coping mechanism until you have found a place where your boundaries are generally respected.

Almost Last But Not Least

A few weeks ago, I created a boundary test. 21 of you followed my invitation and took the test. The results were interesting in many ways.

I don't want to bore you with a long analysis.

But… yes, I really love that word, I’d like to share with you the following highlights.

Feel free to draw your own conclusions and share them in the comments if you like.

On saying no

On feelings, emotions, and self-doubt

Before You Go…

If you haven't taken the boundary test yet, don't worry.

You don't need to explain that to me, feel guilty, or feel bad for missing out.

I decided to keep it active for you, as a subscriber here.

If you aren't a subscriber yet, no worries either. I placed another blue button below.

One click. Doesn't hurt. Makes me happy. And it will give you access to reflections you might welcome on your healing journey.

So here you go… —> Link to Personal Boundary Test

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