The weight of wanting to be in control
about fear, predictability, and trust
There was a girl in my group with a huge backpack. It was so heavy that she could barely carry it uphill. She clearly needed help.
“What’s in your backpack?" I asked her
She listed countless items. Among them were quite exotic items like a UV sterilisation lamp, water filters, and all sorts of other gear.
I wondered who needed that. After all, we were only on a well-organised 4-day tour to the Lost City in the Colombian Caribbean jungle. It was clearly not a survival tour.
She told me she wanted to be in control and be prepared for the worst case. Somehow, she forgot to think about how to carry all that when the ground became slippery and the path steep.
No judgement here...
The desire to be in control comes in so many forms that most of us fall victim to it in one way or another.
Controlling other people
Nobody wants to be under someone’s control. Yet many of us like to have control over how the guy in front of us on the highway drives.
Often, we want people to follow our way of understanding. We like to think that we know best what’s right and wrong. At least for the little things in daily life.
But it goes further than that. We have roles in our families, society, and workplaces. Hierarchies naturally come with some sort of control. Of course, it’s a question of how far this control goes.
It also makes quite a difference whether control is open and directly visible, or whether it takes a more subtle form, as is the case with manipulation.
In the latter case, anxiety is the most widely used tool to gain control over people. Governments, religions, and families — they all use it.
Controlling yourself
Being disciplined is one form of self-control. It can be quite beneficial when you don’t overdo it. But that’s not the form I mean here.
By controlling yourself, I mean the voices in your head that „force“ you to do what is expected from you, to comply with a given role, and to follow the path laid out for you.
In other words, being tough with you and making sure you stay on track.
Controlling your environment
This category includes everything non-people-related to make sure life goes your way. No surprises, at least not unwanted ones.
The girl from the introduction is a perfect example of that. In daily life, you see such a need for being in control, having insurance for everything, and being a perfectionist in everything you do.
What’s behind the need to be in control
We all need some sort of control. Even animals check their fur for fleas and lice. Without any sort of control, we would end up in chaos. Imagine a society without a police force. While on a small level, this might work, it for sure means chaos on a higher level.
Yet we often crave more control than the bare minimum. And the reason for this is that we became too attached to a predictable life and certain outcomes.
Going deeper, you’ll see that the real root cause of such control is underlying fear. Sometimes, as in the case of having police, it is well justified. Most of the time, however, it’s the fear of being powerless.
Parents exert control over their adult kids to make sure they’ll never be lonely, especially in the case when they’ll be old and fragile.
That’s just one example. The need to be in control has the underlying fear that you do not have in you what it takes to master life. In other words, without being in control, you feel doomed.
The answer to that is not to have more control over life. It’s questionable if you can ever really be in control. I don’t want to be fatalistic here, but we all know life can change at any second.
So what to do?
A better strategy
Looking back, many wonder how they made it this far in life. And that’s where the key lies.
Somehow, we managed to make it through the storms. Our ships might have been hit by a rock. But we fixed the hole, made it into a safe haven, and got our ships into good condition again.
We learned to master the seas while sailing with our boats. We couldn’t prepare for everything, but we were ready for the challenge. At one point, we discovered that we had everything in us. We don’t have to do it all on our own, asking for help is a skill on its own...
The point is that no matter how weak or strong we were, we found solutions. There is a force in us that we can trust.
It’s the very same force that keeps us alive.
Every second, all sorts of bacteria, viruses, toxins, or whatever try to kill us. Our bodies know what to do and make sure we stay safe. The body also knows how to heal in case we hit the proverbial rock and have a hole.
We have the capacity to live our lives. We don’t need excessive control. Instead, it’s a far better approach to free ourselves from unjustified anxieties and find trust in the magic treasure in us that lets us master life.
I agree, absolutely. I used to fill backpacks and luggage to the tearing point... wanted to predict every possible situation and everything I needed to have with me to handle this imaginary situation. Until one day, I travelled with only a backpack which was half empty😂
Tim, Thank you for the helpful article. The opening example of the backpack resonates. Will be thinking more about how to unload the backpack. "Let your faith be bigger than your fear." Thx for the reminder.