Notes to Myself - (Special Edition)
A Reflection About Who We Really Are
Have you ever asked yourself: Who am I?
I mean, not just out of curiosity but because you felt so lost that you had no idea anymore who you might be deep down inside.
We often ask this existential question when our lives seem to fall apart. When something big is hitting us suddenly, like losing a job, our partner, or being betrayed by the ones closest to us.
I reflected on this question for quite some time and will share my best findings with you.
A little spoiler…. the answer has to do with the following image. Yes, this may sound confusing, but I reveal the magic behind it down below.
The Journey Begins When Certainty Ends
As a young boy, I knew who I was. I was Zorro. The fictional character I had seen on TV. I had a Zorro belt made out of leather, which left no doubt that I was really him.
Looking back, this sounds cute and funny. But so were many other identities I had as a teenager or when I started my first job.
My identities were mainly shaped by the education I had received and the few work-related experiences I had to show for.
At that point, there was no point in asking myself who I really am. I followed a more or less given path, and there was simply no space for such a question.
Life Is Different Than You Think
My first job after university was a little eye-opener. I thought I knew all the theories and formulas for how a company has to function.
Initially, I found many things stupid. Then I learned that there is far more power play in daily life and that humans are far less rational than my university studies made me believe.
The far bigger eye-opener was traveling to exotic countries. Yes, the coffee I needed to get alive tasted different. There were myriad smells I had never experienced before.
But that's not the point…
What was really stunning for me was how differently life functioned in those countries. People not only operated differently but also had quite a different value system.
That's where it dawned on me: I am not my values.
What Was Given Is Not Who You Are
Travelling gave me the contrasts to understand how very German I was. Yes, I valued punctuality, order, and reliability, and thought those were my values.
But they weren't…
They were given to me, and I could not really refuse them.
The environment in which we grow up largely determines the education we receive, the struggles we face, and how we perceive the world — including ourselves.
If you happened to grow up in a different place or a social class, you would have a very different understanding of who you are.
How Blind Spots and Illusions Hide the Self
We often can't see the obvious even when it is right in front of our noses.
Trauma hides painful memories and feelings that we are not ready to process yet. It's a protection mechanism.
The same is true for identity. We adopt roles to feel safe. A job title, for example, gives us a place in society and the feeling that we matter — that we are someone.
Such illusions can burst like a bubble. Losing your job can suddenly confront you with the simple truth that you are not your job title.
The following YouTube video illustrates such an awakening in a rather light way.
What Remains When Everything That Was Given Is Taken Away?
Now we are getting closer to who you might really be.
So far, we have found out that you are not your nationality, your conditioning, the position in society, or the experiences you've had.
What’s left if you strip all that away?
That's the answer most of us are looking for when we are searching for our soul.
What's our true essence?
Body, thoughts, and consciousness sound like an obvious answer.
But that's probably not the essence you are looking for.
More Than Thoughts, More Than Awareness
We are not our thoughts, no matter how badly our brains want to make us believe that.
Thoughts come and go.
What's on your mind has a lot to do with how you currently feel, how you were conditioned, and the experiences you've had. Try to have warm and positive thoughts right after you hit your pinky toe against the door frame.
Even awakened souls would swear like the devil for a moment.
Meditation helps us notice our thoughts by stepping into the role of an observer.
Some say that this observer is who we really are—like a higher self that watches us like an avatar in a video game.
However, I think our true identity goes much further than that.
Have you ever asked yourself why some people turn bitter while others, despite all hardship, shine their light in the warmest colors?
It's often that life forces us down a certain path. From the outside, it may look as if we had a choice. But from the inside, it doesn’t feel that way at all. Something within us makes one direction feel inevitable — as if the other was never truly an option.
This has nothing to do with our conditioning or anything that was given to us. It has to do with our true essence — with the fact that we cannot go against our inherent nature.
This brings us back to the image we started with.
The Patterns Beneath Our Lives
Certain things seem to happen to us again and again. Sometimes it's funny things like always stepping into dog poop. Other times, it's rather painful experiences when we attract the same type of toxic person as partners or bosses.
Such patterns often contain lessons. They come as teachers and point towards aspects of our lives we either want to neglect or are almost blind to.
At their core, these patterns are about who we are. By becoming aware of them, we gain the ability to change them. This is also where new patterns begin to form.
But — and this is important — even new patterns don’t emerge from nothing. They grow from the same underlying structure, the same inner ground. And that ground has to do with our true essence—our very nature.
This may sound abstract.
Fortunately, there are beautiful visual examples that make this easier to grasp. They are called fractals — structures that keep forming new shapes while always returning to the same underlying pattern, no matter how deeply you zoom in.
While the following video uses mathematical fractals, similar self-repeating structures can be found throughout nature. Ferns and cabbage are well-known examples.
And perhaps, at our very core, we follow a similar pattern.
Before You Go…
This reflection was different from the previous ones.
This reflection was a bit different from the previous ones.
I hope it gave you something to think about and brought a little more clarity. As always, I’d love to hear if this format resonated with you in the comments below.
(drops mic)