Notes to Myself - Part V
Learning about life and maybe understanding it
As a teenager, I thought I had more or less figured out how the world works. I had my ideals and values and was proud of them. Sometimes I had to defend them with words, much like a politician.
Things changed once I entered corporate life. There, I soon discovered that my values didn't get me far. The world was way different from what I thought it would be. I didn't give up my values, but had to learn many things again.
Sometimes life seems like a spiral. You go in circles, see things from different angles, but reach a new level with each revolution.
Experiencing Life From Different Perspectives
The first bigger change in perspective I had was when I was promoted to team leader. I thought the game from the other side of the table would basically be the same.
It had been that way when I changed from a sales position to a buyer role before. But becoming a boss was a completely different story. It felt like a circle closed and led to a much broader understanding.
But that was just the first sweet taste of what life has to offer…
A few years ago, I cut ties with my family. It was a very painful process. I always wondered why, particularly my mother and grandmother, seemed completely blind to the effects of their actions.
Recently, my 76-year-old neighbor broke her leg. She couldn't walk and asked me to help her put on her support rail and other things she really needed but couldn't do herself. I was glad to help her.
She probably also liked my company and told me many things about her life and all the problems she has with her son, who is about my age.
Things got really interesting from there on.
I discovered her controlling nature and that she was like my grandmother in so many ways. She was angry at her son for not wanting to have anything to do with her, even though he lives close by.
In a way, it was spooky to see parts of my own story from a different perspective.
Another circle closed.
Sometimes I think that life brings you all the situations that you need to find an answer to your most important questions. And all you need is to listen.
Kindness and Gifts Are Not Transactional
Kindness is a default mode. As a kind person, you're kind to everybody. Of course, when someone has bad intentions or has caused harm in the past, you keep your distance and make sure no harm can be done to you.
But you can still do this in a kind and respectful way. Becoming unkind or even violent are only options when everything else has failed—at least if you see yourself as a kind person.
Being kind because someone treated you kindly is not kindness. It's a transaction. Quid pro quo. Only giving back what you receive or what promises a return.
The same goes for presents.
In my family, gifts were seen either as a duty or used as manipulation.
At Christmas, I often got things I needed anyway, like clothes or things for school. My family wasn't poor. Occasionally, I got bigger presents that I never asked for. Sometimes it was toys that my father liked to have. Other times, the present was used to show off how generous my grandparents were. And of course, they expected me to stay grateful for months.
That's not how gifts work.
You give a gift to make a person happy. In a way, it is an act of love.
You expect nothing in return.
Of course, a thank you is welcome — it’s a sign of respect.
People Only Hear What They Are Ready to Hear
There’s this saying that the teacher appears when the student is ready.
For me, this always sounded like the teacher and student are separate and have to meet for the lessons to begin. Or in other words, the student has to wake up first and then can go to the teacher.
But the older I get, the more I doubt that it is actually this way…
Looking back, I remember several people trying to tell me things. Sometimes I wondered why they made things so complicated that I simply was not able to get their message. Other times, I just found them weird, as if they would tell me something about aliens or other things I was not able to believe in.
But the simple truth was that I wasn't ready for their message at that time.
One example of this was several people telling me that there was something very off with my family. Back then, I couldn't see what is now obvious to me.
I had to go through a few more rounds of unhealthy family dynamics to become ready for the messages.
The teachers have been around me all along. They spoke up, but I, as a student, was not able to hear, although their words were simple and clear.
It's the same with my 76-year-old neighbor. I tried hard to give her an idea of why her son keeps a distance from her. She’s tone-deaf to my message.
For a long time, I thought it was my fault when people didn't get me. I thought I was too complicated or articulated things in the wrong way. But then I also experienced that people who hardly spoke any of the languages that I could speak, understood me perfectly fine.
When you are ready for the message, simple words are enough.
When you are not ready yet, you literally won't feel the air around you.
Coming up next:
Notes to Myself - Part VI
The next chapter blends philosophy with lived experience—reflections on fear, timing, creativity, and the strange way life supports us once we stop gripping too tightly. Part VI is a gentle push toward inner trust.
In case you missed the previous part…
Notes to Myself - Part IV
Looking back on life, I do not have many regrets. I usually made the best decision I could based on my level of experience and knowledge. Of course, I messed up here and there and did some stupid things. Luckily, I was able to fix most of them.
Before You Go…
I am a curious person and love to interact with people. Up to this point, I did all the talking with the words written here.
Maybe you mumbled, nodded, drifted into your own memories, or showed some other kind of reaction to my words. All of them have in common that I cannot hear or see any of them.
So… here is the trick: give me a like when you want to read more like this from me (the little heart at the bottom is only one mouse click away).
Even better, share some of your thoughts with me and leave a comment. You know words can connect—when both sides want them to.
This reminds me of this quote regarding feedback to someone: "there are no wrong words for someone who is ready to hear the message, and no right words for someone who isn't. "
Not totally true, but you get the point.
I appreciate your heartfelt reflections.
I enjoyed reading this post Tim, great musings.
Hmm, sounds like you have a closed minded neighbor like I do. I had seen the pattern developing but tried to ignore it. My favorite quote these days is from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".