How I Used Loneliness As A Teacher

Finding myself in the absence of others

Life has many lessons. Loneliness is among the hardest ones.

Nobody chooses it. It chooses you.

You can be surrounded by friends and still feel lonely.

Sometimes it comes out of nowhere.

Like when you start healing from childhood trauma and realize nobody understands you. You start to feel like an outsider, someone who doesn't belong.

That's what happened to me. I felt completely on my own.

And yet, looking back, I see a certain beauty in loneliness — a soft power that can completely change your life for the better.

Loneliness can feel like death

As humans, we are social animals and need others to survive. Yes, there are some exceptions, but they are rare.

As a child, you wouldn't have survived entirely on your own.

Little children panic for good reason when they lose sight of their mother, especially in unfamiliar places like supermarkets.

With this in mind, it’s no wonder that loneliness feels deeply unpleasant and threatening, even when we’re grown up.

When loneliness hit me, I tried to connect. Some of my friends listened, but pushed aside what I shared.

My stories weren't outrageous.

They were simply too much for them to handle, or they challenged the common belief in the "sacred family". By this I mean that your family cares about you and acts in your best interest.

So there I was, all on my own, without any idea where I belonged.

Don't fill the void with rubbish

It's easy to distract yourself from unpleasant loneliness with mindless scrolling on social media, binge-watching videos, or numbing yourself with food.

But all that only works temporarily. In the end, it makes you feel even emptier and more miserable than before.

The real cure lies in accepting your loneliness. Then magic can happen.

Loneliness opens a space for you — the so-called void.

It’s a sacred opportunity to reconnect with yourself and discover who you are.

That’s essentially what solo pilgrimage is about: walking into the void to meet yourself.

Loneliness as a transformative power

Loneliness lost its drama once I started accepting it. The initial anxiety that came with it faded. I still felt empty inside and had no idea what to do with my life.

Then something happened.

I started hearing my inner voices louder and louder. They told me to get my act together and called me all sorts of names.

That was unacceptable for me.

I was lonely anyway and had power over who I allowed to be with me.

So I kicked these voices out of my head and replaced them with those of a loving older brother and sister.

It was an inner battle for a few days. But whenever the harsh voices spoke up, I asked myself: What would a loving older sister advise me?

The loving voices eventually brought me peace. And then the next thing happened.

My new voices brought me new ideas like these.

• Tim, you could try drawing — maybe it’s fun.

• You always wanted to try podcasts — maybe now it's time.

• How about making music again? You loved practising guitar many years ago

• How about buying a touring bicycle and trying bikepacking?

• There are squirrels out there. Buy them nuts and invite them in.

My new voices helped me become playful and curious again.

Loneliness didn't feel like a curse anymore. It helped me to find peace with myself and the world around me — and it also gave me healthy ideas for how to fill the void.

Accepting Loneliness Gave Me Freedom to Choose

I was a people pleaser for much of my life. It was my strategy to avoid loneliness.

The problem was, I attracted many friends I was not happy with.

Now I know that loneliness is a far better option than having false friends.

That doesn't mean I want to be lonely forever. But it empowers me to make better choices. And my new inner voices are a true blessing in that regard.

Loneliness is not meant to be forever

I don't want to glorify loneliness as a universal remedy. It can become a rabbit hole if you spend too much time in it.

Loneliness has done its job once you've found peace with yourself.

Spending time in isolation can bring your demons to the surface. Loneliness can help you embrace them. A less fancy word for this is shadow work.

But once you've integrated your shadows, there is no need for further isolation. Of course, you can still choose to be alone for some time when you need rest.

In the end, though, your goal should be to connect with the world around you, and that includes other people. You don't have to, but genuine connections built on mutual respect and love make life infinitely richer.