Notes To Myself - Setting Boundaries VIII

Dealing with setbacks and feelings of failure

I remember when my Chinese colleague invited me to a local zoo for fishing. It was one of those small local experiences I would never have imagined before staying there for a few weeks.

We paid two dollars and got a small stick with a nylon line. It looked like a toy fishing rod for children. But instead of a magnet, it came with a real hook.

My colleague gave his rod a little swing and let the hook dive into the water. A moment later, he pulled it out with a tiny gold fish on the hook.

He did it again. Not only once but five times in a row. Effortlessly.

Then it was my turn.

I tried to imitate his moves the best I could. Not a single fish wanted to bite. I was either pulling out the hook too late or too early. It felt hopeless.

My first thought was that he took out all the easy ones. But then he showed me with a knowing smile how easy it was for him.

“How are you doing this?” I asked.

“Oooh, I learned when I was a young boy. Watching you reminded me of how long it took me to get the timing right,” he answered.

Yep, it wasn't big things. He had just way more practice and made it through all the frustration that comes with things that look so easy but, in fact, are not.

And it's no different with setting boundaries.

From the outside, it looks like one simple move. You say no. You stay calm. You do not apologize for existing. But when it is your turn, the timing suddenly feels impossible.

This part of the boundary-setting series is about the messy middle. The moments where you try, fail, feel guilty, explain too much, collapse back into old habits, and wonder if you are doing it all wrong.

Image by Kenneth Surillo on Pexels

Making a Few Good Experiences

Most new things are hard when you start learning them. And you can make them even harder when you try to reach for the stars instead of starting with the low-risk situations right in front of you.

We need a few good experiences now and then, no matter how small. Especially in the beginning, it's an important signal that this boundary-setting thing might work out. We need that to believe in ourselves and not totally get lost in our self-doubt.

The problem often is that there are no easy cases around us. It's a bit of a curse that people with poor boundaries have people around them who take advantage of them.

So when things feel hard or impossible, it can help to practice with safer people first. If they are not around you yet, it may help to enter new spaces. A class. A group. A place connected to something you genuinely enjoy.

You will be surprised how easy boundary setting is with people who value you for who you are.

It takes just a few such experiences to make the shift within you.

At a certain point, you may wonder how you could tolerate other people treating you so badly for years. And once you know that you have value, you no longer have to tolerate being treated as if you don’t.

Learn Self-Soothing

Failing at setting boundaries is not a drama in itself. Of course, it may feel very unpleasant. And that's okay.

Failing basically means it didn't work this time. Next time, try some changes and see how that works. Much like catching the fish. Often, all it takes is some fine-tuning.

What doesn't help is beating yourself up every time you fail. Punishing yourself, even if it's only with a harsh inner critic, doesn't change things for the better. It just adds to the drama.

The thing is that we always try our best. Of course, sometimes that's not enough. And that's also okay. Most of the time, life gives us another chance to practice. Until we make it and catch the proverbial golden fish.

The best you can do is to come back to yourself as quickly as possible. When you stumble and fall, you get up again and put your crown back in position.

Imagine a caring and loving father or mother. They blow over your little wounds and say with a soft voice that everything will be fine. You believe it and try again without any drama and without putting yourself under pressure.

You may not have experienced such voices. But they do exist.

I didn't believe it for most of my life until I saw young mothers in my neighborhood who raised their children in a supportive and appreciative way. I thought I was on a different planet until it dawned on me that what I had experienced as normal was not normal at all.

Track Your Progress

We often forget where we are coming from because everybody else seems so far ahead of us. That is not necessarily true, but it can still feel that way.

Feelings are hard to argue with. The mind can try to reason against them and push them away. But they sure will come back, sooner or later.

Long story short, one of the best ways to track our boundary-setting progress is to notice how we feel in the evening. Every day that we didn’t abandon ourselves is a golden day. Some days may just be silver. And that's okay, too.

The goal is not to make every day a golden day. That would be like aiming for perfection and putting ourselves under pressure. The better goal is to have more golden and silver days.

It's a bit like collecting rays of light for your life until you see the sun shining. That's when you truly know how far you have come, although it may have felt like an impossible journey in the beginning.

Before You Go…

I hope you enjoyed the boundary-setting series. Today was the final part.

I already have something in mind for what to write about next.

But I’d also love to hear from you.

Yep, that's the part where I ask you to drop a comment…

So if there is something you’d like to read more about, or a topic you feel I could add something meaningful to, let me know.

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