Setting Boundaries - Part VIII
Dealing with setbacks and feelings of failure
I remember when my Chinese colleague invited me to a local zoo for fishing. It was one of those small local experiences I would never have imagined before staying there for a few weeks.
We paid two dollars and got a small stick with a nylon line. It looked like a toy fishing rod for children. But instead of a magnet, it came with a real hook.
My colleague gave his rod a little swing and let the hook dive into the water. A moment later, he pulled it out with a tiny gold fish on the hook.
He did it again. Not only once but five times in a row. Effortlessly.
Then it was my turn.
I tried to imitate his moves the best I could. Not a single fish wanted to bite. I was either pulling out the hook too late or too early. It felt hopeless.
My first thought was that he took out all the easy ones. But then he showed me with a knowing smile how easy it was for him.
“How are you doing this?” I asked.
“Oooh, I learned when I was a young boy. Watching you reminded me of how long it took me to get the timing right,” he answered.
Yep, it wasn't big things. He had just way more practice and made it through all the frustration that comes with things that look so easy but, in fact, are not.
And it's no different with setting boundaries.
From the outside, it looks like one simple move. You say no. You stay calm. You do not apologize for existing. But when it is your turn, the timing suddenly feels impossible.
This part of the boundary-setting series is about the messy middle. The moments where you try, fail, feel guilty, explain too much, collapse back into old habits, and wonder if you are doing it all wrong.