Sometimes I wonder how much control we have over our lives and if free will actually exists. I don’t think that we live in a simulation or that we are some kind of bio-robots.

But when I look back at my life, it often looks like it pushed me to walk certain paths. In many cases, I felt I couldn’t have made a different decision, because there were no real alternatives.

man holding a compass in his hand to find a new direction for his life — Image source: Pixabay

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We all start at different points in life. Some of us are born into rich countries or wealthy families. That gives you a head start in many ways. In general, you will enjoy better education and access to healthcare than those who are born into poor environments. From a material point of view, your life will be easier. In a way, money also buys you freedom—and thus more choices in life.

The opposite is true for people who are born into poor environments. Their life path will be more about survival and making ends meet.

I oversimplified this to make the point clear. But there is way more to it…

You are also born into a system with societal norms and values. As a child, you learn to comply with the rules in your family because your survival depends on it. Later, school teaches you many practical things, but also shows you how to function in society.

But even without all that, society itself has a natural drive to make you one of them. If you stick out too much, you will face problems, as you might be seen as a danger to the herd.

Once you have grown up, all these rules and values have become so much a second nature that you identify with most of them.

And this is where it becomes really interesting—because most of us only have a faint idea of who we really are and what has simply been given to us.

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When I traveled to places very different from home, I learned how German I really am. People correctly judged me as German long before I opened my mouth and revealed my seductive accent.

I always regarded punctuality and reliability as virtues. In my teenage years, it was almost a sport to arrive at parties five minutes before they started.

Better a bit early than sorry was my credo.

I was proud of that and thought it was a noble trait of mine. But in reality, punctuality had been given to me in my cradle, like to all other Germans.

Why knowing who you really are matters

Punctuality was one of the more obvious traits. The more time I spent far away from home, the more I became aware of all the given parts I once believed were me.

Punctuality is a rather positive example. But we also carry parts within us that are not beneficial.

As the family scapegoat, I became a people pleaser, a perfectionist, and thought of myself as having low value. At some point in my early childhood, I chose that strategy to cope with my dysfunctional family system. It was an unconscious choice, but it shaped the way I kept moving through life.

I carried a shadow behind me that I couldn’t see. But others could. And some took advantage of it. I just kept wondering why the same sh*t was repeating over and over again.

I hoped the future would somehow dissolve that pattern and also fill the void I always felt inside me. But things only got worse, and at one point, the emptiness in me became almost unbearable.

That was also the time when I began to question what I really wanted to do with my life, and who I truly was deep down inside. It felt like I wasn’t really living my life.

That feeling turned out to be absolutely right…

How to find out who you are deep down inside

When you start asking yourself this question, you are already halfway to finding answers. That doesn’t mean the journey will be easy. But it does mean you are finally ready to look deeper and question what you long believed to be your identity.

Age is a silent ally

The older you get, the more patterns you begin to see in life. Some are even hidden in old proverbs, like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When I was young, I didn’t understand what that really meant. Now, 30 years after finishing school, it makes perfect sense. Many of my old classmates have become almost carbon copies of their families.

Seeing these patterns in others naturally raises the question of how much your parents and your past have shaped what you regard as you?

Traveling exposes you to contrasts

You need light to see darkness—and the other way around. The same applies to your cultural context. You only begin to truly understand the traits and values of your nationality when you experience their opposite.

In Latin America, I was amazed at how emotionally warm people were. Of course, I had read about Latinos being more emotional than Germans. But reading about it and actually experiencing it were two completely different things.

Some people see long journeys as journeys to themselves. Because sooner or later, everything you believe to be you is challenged in a different environment. But one thing always stays the same, and that is your very true core.

Silence

We all have an inner voice, but we rarely hear it. One reason is that we are often stressed and don’t allow ourselves to rest. Our minds stay busy fixing problems and worrying about the future, leaving no space for that soft little voice inside us to break through.

In the past, pilgrimage walks and silent monasteries were ways to reconnect with yourself and open the door to spiritual experiences. Today, they are becoming popular again.

I know a few people who have walked the Way of St. James to realign with their very core.

Live your creativity

Many people think of themselves as not creative or lacking talent. But as children, we couldn’t care less. We drew pics for mom and dad without worrying what they looked like. We simply enjoyed the process of expressing ourselves.

I recently took a drawing course. At first, I struggled with inner resistance. But once I allowed my hand to fly across the paper, it became fun. I slipped into a childlike flow state again.

Expressing yourself creatively carries a sense of playfulness. Real play only happens when it flows through you, from your very core.

And that is where the magic lies.

Journaling

As a writer on Substack, I have to recommend this one.

Whenever I feel disconnected, I start journaling. Putting my thoughts on paper slows them down. I gain clarity and avoid falling into thought spirals.

Journaling is not a silver bullet for self-discovery because the mind can still fool you in many ways. But it can work like a recorded meditation. You write down what’s on your mind and then ask yourself where it is coming from. It helps clear your head.

I rarely had big insights while journaling. But the calmness and clarity it brought often led to epiphanies in daily life, for example, when showering, cooking, or doing other activities that required little thinking.

Unfold your true path

You cannot change your past. But you can give it a different meaning. Maybe your life so far has been about finding out who you truly are. And the new chapter starting now is about becoming the hero of your own story.

Your options in life still may be limited. But when you follow what aligns with your very core, things feel more like they fall into place. You experience synchronicities and face challenges that you are excited to deal with.

Maybe all your life so far has been about functioning and surviving. By knowing yourself, you can turn the story around into living and thriving.

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Finding Yourself Again When You Feel Lost