Many of us have only a vague understanding of who we truly are. Of course, we know the roles we played and often the ones we were assigned to without our consent.

But what is underneath all that?

For a long time I thought knowing who you are was the first step on your healing journey. A bit like finding your way back to yourself requires that you have an idea where you need to go.

While this makes sense on a logical level, it’s also a bit demotivating. Because getting a solid idea of who you might be can take a lot of time. And then the answer might even be that you are not one fixed individual that is cast in some kind of form.

I know, I know... this is more complicated than it needs to be. But here is the good news:

Knowing you are of worth is much more important than knowing who you truly are.

Yes, you just need to know your worth. This may sound almost too simple and trivial. It most likely is. Yet finding out you have value can still be a big eye-opener.

Maybe it’s because value is such a vague word. On material things we can put a price tag, not so when it’s about us humans. And that’s a good thing.

Long story short, let me start by showing what it means when you see yourself as having no particular value.

The Problems With Feeling Worthless

Value is a relative measurement that we use to compare one thing with another.

When something is of low value, there consequently are other things of higher value.

So when you see yourself as of low value, this also means you regard some other people as more valuable than you. The people, not their jobs or money they make...

Accepting bad behavior:

When you see yourself as a small potato, you might accept being thrown around like one. Or take the family scapegoat role. It only works when the scapegoat accepts or internalizes being seen as lower value and therefore carries what the family puts on their back.

Life has to be earned

When you see yourself as of low value, you basically think you don’t deserve any of the nice things without having worked hard for it.

Giving up too fast:

Why should you even try big things when all you see yourself as is a tiny, insignificant being? You can spare yourself pointless struggles and just stick with the things that you think are realistic in your tiny world. So in a way, seeing yourself as of low value is kind of a reinforcing mechanism.

Seeing yourself as defective:

This one is probably the toughest. Even if we see ourselves as low value, we don’t like to be in such a powerless state. So we try with self-improvement, healing all the broken parts. But we might lose ourselves by focusing on fixing a false reality we were either made to believe or once chose as some kind of coping mechanism.

When there is nothing defective or wrong with us, the attempt to repair anything is pointless. But it could easily take half a lifetime before we find out that simple truth...

Now let’s compare this to the state of being aware you are of value as a human being.

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Every few decades, we humans like to scare ourselves. Not just a little, but like in a real horror movie.

No, I am not talking about wars.

I talk about things that often improve the quality of our lives. But before we finally accept and learn to live with them, many of us join the collective fear cycle and try to make it even bigger.

What I am talking about is the advent of a new technology.

I remember when, in the eighties, robots became good enough to be used in mass production. People were scared that they might lose their jobs. You couldn’t escape that topic in the media, and even if you tried, one of those dystopian movies would eventually get you.

No escape unless you lived under a rock...

People made Mr. Robot their main discussion topic. Everybody had an idea how doomed we might be in the future. Of course, there were also some optimists. But apart from a few exceptions, nobody could really see what would be coming.

At one point we forgot about the hysteria as if it never happened. Peaceful times. Until the collective fear struck us again; currently it’s all about AI, and we might soon come to a point where the fear cloud loses a bit of its steam.

What I noticed is that the underlying patterns when new technologies arrive are somewhat similar.

1. A few nerds play with a new technology, and things get traction

2. The new technology gets hyped up with its benefits in focus

3. As people get aware of the downside, fear starts to arise

4. The fear gets amplified and can reach panic levels

5. Depending on the impact of the technology, the Zeitgeist changes

6. A sobering set in once there is more clarity in what the new technology actually can do

7. People get used to and adapt to the new technology and forget about their fears

8. Life goes back to normal for maybe a decade or two

And the funny thing is that most of us don’t see this cycle only for what it is. Only when we are old enough and have gone through the seasons several dozen times do we begin to see the cycle for what it is.

In the 19th century it was “Railway Madness”, in the 1920s the advent of the radio, then the internet, the CERN Large Hadron Collider potentially creating a black hole that would swallow us all, and lately AI.

Maybe it all started with Gutenberg, the wheel, the fire, or using urea to bleach your clothes.

Who knows...

But before this article is over, I eventually want to come to the point I wanted to make.

Collective fear is easy to spot when you are not a part of the crowd. From the outside, things look wild and maybe a bit crazy, or let’s call it irrational. Sounds a bit softer and probably politically more correct.

And now imagine an outsider looking at you?

What self-created fears might they see in you?

How do you create your own suffering and even fuel it further?

And finally, what will you need to get out of that self-created cycle?

That’s it for today...

Before You Go…

This article is the first in my new section, Short Reads.

I created it to publish whenever I feel like writing without spamming your inbox. Meaning, there will be no notification for new stories in this section.

So you can either bookmark the above link and come here from time to time. Or you subscribe to Reflections where I will include updates of the most popular or meaningful short reads.

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I write a lot about healing your past and becoming who you truly are. Once you are on that path, you quickly learn that life can be bumpy.

For many of us, this journey starts after we have experienced major turbulence in life.

I don’t know whether it always has to be this way. I just know it was like that for me and many others.

Over the years I have learned that you can actually work with bad days. They often carry messages that want to be heard.

And surprise surprise, those messages are often not what we are made to believe they are.

In the following go into what worked for me and what didn’t

Everything will be fine

Ooh, how I hate this one.

I had a friend who used to tell me that everything will be fine in the end and if it isn’t fine, it’s not the end yet.

Maybe there is truth in it. But would you tell that to anyone who is severely wounded? Would you tell it to someone who tried to get out of their darkness for weeks? Where do you draw the line?

For me, saying everything will be fine feels like a slap in the face. To me it’s very much the same as saying: Deal with it and leave me alone.

The story is slightly different when you fall on your knees as a child, scrape your skin, and have this burning pain. When your mother tells you after she has cared for your wound that everything will be fine, then that’s something different. You can trust that, because your mother knows.

Of course that only works with mothers or people who deeply care first.

Others have it worse

This one isn’t helping either, though it’s less cruel than the former. Nothing changes for you when there are people with more pain in the world than you.

I mean maybe a sadist would care for a smile since that maybe makes him happy... but I would rather have nobody need to suffer or at least have someone who cares.

Apart from that, your pain doesn’t go away by invalidating it. Actually, it could make things just worse, as you might feel like an unworthy wimp while others seem to carry bigger pain with more dignity than you.

No, no... You don’t want the spiraling thoughts that then ask what’s wrong with you. They would just add to your suffering and let you fall even lower

Showing Gratitude

This one is somewhat similar to the above. Be grateful for what you have, and more good things will find their way to you.

This one can feel a bit like a lie when you are at a low point. The point here is that when you are low, many of your achievements can feel insignificant, much like they don’t matter at all since none of that currently seems of any help.

Seems is the word here.

The thoughts you have on dark days are not necessarily true. Pushing away your thoughts, of course, will not help. But you can at least ask yourself what measures you took on your good days to make your suffering less intense.

And that’s something you can be grateful for. At least a little.

Let me give you a few examples.

Taking care of yourself could be building up a financial cushion for the bad days. Having a few things in your place that make things a little better, like a cushy warm blanket, some bath oils you love that help you calm down. Often it’s simple things. Much like a grandmother who can heal so many things simply by preparing a cake you love the most.

So when you are at a low point and remember that you took care for such days, you can be grateful for exactly that. Because then you understood how much your well-being mattered to you even on the good days.

Now let’s come to the points that helped me (for paid subscribers only)

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I remember when I realized that some of the fuzzy memories from my childhood actually happened. The realization made me so dizzy that I almost collapsed while walking through the city center, completely lost in thought.

Luckily, there was a pole I could hold on to…

I wanted to tell a friend about what was causing me so much trouble. But before I could even touch on what happened in my childhood, she started comparing her family with mine and found that I was so much better off.

Such situations can make you feel so damn lonely, even among people you may call friends. It's like shouting into a void, only no sound comes out.

Why couldn't she at least listen first to what I had to say?

Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?

Well, I’ll come to that below, as it took me quite a while to understand that dynamic.

I remember when I was a student, a 30-year-old man poured out his heart to me while I was eating at a fast-food restaurant. Not really sure how the conversation started, probably with some innocent remarks…

So I listened… and that man told me more and more about his life. And I kept listening because I was genuinely interested in what he had to say. I couldn't even explain why.

“You did that man a huge favor,” my friend said after he had finally left the restaurant.

I didn't understand my friend back then. But now I know how rare it is to have someone who listens to your story, who can carry it, and doesn't try to stop you or run away.

It is actually a little ironic that nowadays there is so much public discussion about childhood trauma, dysfunctional families, and narcissism, yet these conversations often become much harder when they enter our private lives.

So why is that?

Your Life May Look Fine from the Outside

We are quick to put people into boxes. If you have a good job, seem healthy, are kind to others, and show no obvious signs that something is wrong, people assume you must have a good life.

He smiles, so he must be fine. Easy as that…

But when that person starts telling you that their life is hell, that they had a terrible childhood, and that they do not know how to fill the emptiness they feel inside, things become more complicated. It does not make things any easier when they have difficulty expressing themselves and finding the right words.

Your eyes still see a person who looks fine. Your ears hear a different story…

Perhaps that person also told you very different stories about their family in the past. Stories that put the family in a good light.

In fact, dysfunctional families often try to look good from the outside. They do not want anyone to see what is really going on behind closed doors.

As a child, I quickly learned that I must never do anything that could make my parents look bad. Of course, small things still happened sometimes. But I was punished hard to make sure I would never forget the lesson.

So that’s how I learned to keep up the false image of my family…

People Prefer Simple Truths

Family is often regarded as a sacred institution. The general assumption is that our parents only want the best for us. And if they made some mistakes, they simply didn't know better and still gave their best.

After all, you somehow made it through all that and learned to stand on your own two feet.

So the conclusion often is: It can't have been that bad.

It is a simple explanation.

And according to that logic, the only thing you need to do is to let go of the past and move on in life.

Problem fixed. No need to complicate things. Just move on. Simple as that…

Accepting your story and all the pain that comes with it may actually lead them to question their own stories. But they might not be ready to go down that road.

I cannot blame them. I tried to push my childhood memories away for as long as possible. Numbing my emptiness with alcohol, working hard, and other distractions didn't work for me. But for others, it can seem to work for a surprisingly long time…

I am not saying that everyone carries pain from the past and tries to push it away. But many more people do than you might imagine, because that pain is often not visible from the outside. Simple explanations can protect us from truths we are not ready to face.

So far, I have covered what can make it so difficult to share your story and be heard. This leads to the question of how you can deal with all of that.

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For a long time, I thought I just needed to figure out life to live it finally. First the work, then the reward, so to speak. As if life itself was something that needed to be earned before I deserved its sweeter fruits.

Of course, I tried to speed up the process. And while trying this, I kept stumbling upon the right mindset thing again and again. It came in so many different forms.

The simpler one was that you just need to be positive, and then everything will be possible. That was already a problem for me. I will come back to it later.

Affirmations and, in particular, the Law of Attraction were more complex approaches. You needed to be positive here as well. Additionally, you really needed to believe that things would actually manifest. And if things didn’t work out, you apparently didn’t believe strongly enough.

I have always been a doubtful and very self-critical person. So the above didn’t really work for me.

My mindset was that thinking things through and working hard would improve my little world. That’s at least how I made it through university and my first years in corporate life.

For quite a while, that mindset worked. And that’s maybe why it was so hard to see the trap for what it was.

Now I understand that the right mindset often comes after we have started changing our lives, not before.

So does that mean we can forget about this mindset thing completely?

Of course not.

The point I want to make is much simpler. Let me explain...

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Many years back, when I was still searching for my inner light, I asked myself whether this search would ever end.

I had seen many people along the way who got lost in their own journey, almost as if the search itself had become the purpose of their life. Every new insight they got made them hungry for even deeper knowledge.

They never seemed satisfied.

Probably the reason for this was that they waited for a magic moment when everything in their lives would make sense. Something like ecstasy, divine bliss, or at least one overwhelming moment that would prove they had finally made it.

But we are humans. That’s one thing we should never forget. We are made of flesh and bone and all the experiences that shaped us. Of course, we can heal large parts of all that and integrate the parts we once abandoned.

That being said, finding your inner light will not be a reset that undoes everything you experienced. It’s more like your inner light has always been there deep inside you. It was buried under all the unprocessed pain and suffering. And now that you have done lots of inner work, it can shine through you again.

No magic moment, but a reconnection with yourself. That’s still quite something as it will allow you to live your life.

The previous part of this series was about your life stabilizing, finding direction again, and feeling overall more aligned with life itself.

This part is about the final stage of your Finding Your Inner Light journey. As mentioned above, there won’t be bells and whistles. Nevertheless, there will be clear signs that you have finally arrived.

Compassion Without Losing Yourself

Once you know who you are, you begin to see people more for what they really are. You can see through the illusion. Because you know what it was like to play roles you were not even aware of for so damn long.

You know the pain behind those roles. But now you also know that other people’s roles have nothing to do with you. Their pain is their pain.

It can be a bit like with a cranky child. You are not responsible for its feelings. However, you know what it’s going through and try to calm it the best you can. But you sure take a few steps back when the child tries to attack you.

And, you wouldn’t take this personally. It’s a child, you know...

For me, it was quite a surprise how many wounded children still live inside adult bodies. It’s hard to believe. That’s why we feel bad when a boss, our parents, or any other authority person yells at us, puts us down, or does anything else an immature child would do.

We may have even learned at a young age that our mother or father needed us for their emotional stabilisation. And once we began to feel responsible for their emotional well-being, we also had to abandon parts of ourselves to do that job. For many, that was also the point when we lost the connection to our inner light.

But hey... now we have it back. And now we can see. Now we know that other people’s pain doesn’t have to be our pain.

It’s in our hands how much we want to help. We do not have to lose ourselves just because someone else is suffering.

The rest of this essay is for paid subscribers. Below the paywall, we go deeper into what changes once anxiety no longer runs the show.

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In the last part, we looked at the phase that comes after deep inner work.

While this brought us peace, it was also a phase when we felt empty and somehow lost in life. Almost as if we were between two worlds. We left the old one, but haven't arrived in the new one yet.

In the beginning, the space in between is not a problem. It's an invitation to take the rest our body, mind, and soul have been craving. So we allow that, and look forward to the day we are fully back in life.

And that's where the challenging part comes…

The process can take much longer than we might imagine.

For some, it can be months, while for others it might be years. There is nothing you can do to push it, other than get out of its way, much like when you were a child and wanted to grow up more quickly.

You were growing all the time and simply couldn't see the small but continuous growth. It's the same for the integration process.

Of course, there are signs that you are moving forward in life. While they are rather subtle when you are going through the process, they will be more obvious in hindsight.

In this part, I want to shed more light on those signs, so you have an outlook on how your journey might continue.

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I started with self-help books to find words for what I couldn't describe.

Back then, I thought I lacked purpose. You know, this magical thing you only have to find once, and suddenly life starts making sense. You do what you are supposed to do, everything falls into place, and the emptiness quietly leaves the room.

Of course, it wasn’t that simple.

Before finding my purpose, I first had to heal parts of my childhood. And that was when my healing journey actually began.

I tried yoga, which helped for a while. Then I took several Reiki courses. It was wild when I suddenly could feel my hands without using them. Nothing short of exciting.

But again, that effect didn't last for too long.

So I kept searching for the real thing, the method that would finally fill the unexplainable hole inside me. But the more I tried, the more frustrated I became. The effect got smaller and smaller. It felt like walking in a big circle for months, only to arrive where I had started.

There she was again, Miss Emptiness…

But this time, something else came with her.

When I started healing, I was full of hope. Now, even that hope began to leave me. I stood there with empty hands and the same emptiness inside me.

I felt more lost than ever as none of the things I had tried seemed to work.

The story doesn't end here. Actually, it's right where it begins.

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Relief vs. Healing

With physical wounds, we usually understand the difference between treating the wound and taking a painkiller.

Painkillers can feel like a solution first, as they give us relief. That's not necessarily bad because sometimes we need to ease the pain to allow healing to happen. As long as we don't confuse painkillers with real healing, there won't be any problems.

The story is not so easy when it's about healing your past. We often have no idea what only brings relief and what might actually contribute to our healing.

Take spirituality, for example.

Looking at our lives through a different lens can help us see the bigger picture. It can help us recognise patterns, find meaning, and understand that our pain is not just some random punishment from life.

But sometimes even beautiful practices can become a way to escape the pain for a while. When we use meditation just because of the calm it brings us. Or when we do forgiveness rituals, believing everything will be fine from now on.

Sometimes we do need to ease the pain. But real healing often asks us to turn toward the pain we were trying not to feel.

We Don't Know How Much There Is to Heal

When you cut your finger while preparing food, you know what to do. You clean the wound, maybe put some cream on it, and cover it with a Band-Aid.

You can watch the wound heal and know when the process is finished.

Healing from your past is way more complex.

You often have no idea about the damage done. You feel the wounds, but you don’t know exactly where they are and what it takes to heal them.

So it is easy to have the wrong expectations. And if somebody had told me that my little healing project would take 15 years, I probably wouldn't have believed it.

Maybe that's actually a good thing.

Fifteen years is a very long time. Back then, it was almost half of my life. An eternity I could hardly describe. Easy to lose all hope with such knowledge…

Healing Can Feel Stuck When We Never Rest

There is this German saying:

Walk slowly when you are in a hurry.

Healing your past can be very exhausting. The inner changes you go through often need way more energy than we might imagine.

When we try to rush things, we might end up like someone who tries to run a marathon like a sprint. After two kilometers, we run out of air and can barely take the next step. We are forced to stop for a while until we have recovered enough to keep moving slowly again.

When you run too fast, you usually know what happened. But with healing, it can feel as if you are stuck.

And in a way, you are.

Not because healing is not working, but because your system may have no space left to process what has already come up.

Every Layer Reveals the Next One

I climbed many mountains in my life. The more challenging ones had one thing in common. Usually, in the last third, I felt as if I was not moving at all.

When the mountain is steep, you just see the wall in front of you. Often, you don’t know what to expect behind the rock you are trying to walk around.

Maybe another rock, a glacier crack, or an overhang…

The more complex the terrain becomes, the more it seems like you are making no progress at all.

Healing can feel very similar. Once one layer softens, the next one may become visible. That can make it feel as if nothing has changed, even though you have actually moved deeper.

Sometimes What We Need Is a Map

Climbing a mountain becomes much less of a drama when you have a map.

It doesn’t need to be super precise. As long as it shows the important segments and what challenges to expect, you are good to go. You wouldn’t be surprised when the ascent suddenly becomes hard. Instead of losing hope, you’d adjust, take it a bit slower, and manage your energy levels a little better.

And once you make it out of one segment, you know you made progress and thus can keep your spirits high.

But there is more to that…

If you focus on the summit only and make reaching it your only goal, you lose orientation quickly when you cannot see it. You may keep on going, but see no progress. Climbing the mountain becomes torture. At times, you may even wonder what made you do such a stupid thing…

However, if you regard climbing the mountain as a journey instead, you might even enjoy walking it despite all the hardship that you may face. You would simply regard it as part of a journey. Much like a riddle. The fun is in solving it. The actual answer still matters, but it is no longer the only reason you keep going.

Now imagine that healing your past could be like that.

You don’t know exactly what to expect, but having a map can give you an idea of the terrain and the major healing phases.

When you feel lost, you still need to find your own way. But the map can help you navigate. You wouldn’t rush things as much. You would accept the challenge from one rock to the next, knowing that you are making progress, no matter how small it may look.

And while you walk on your healing path, you may actually begin to appreciate the journey itself. Because deep down, you know that this journey is a journey back to yourself.

Arriving there is a reward, like solving the riddle. Maybe the deeper reward is that you slowly learn to live again while you are still healing.

Before You Go…

Understanding healing as a journey helped me move through all the challenges, dark days, and setbacks.

I now know what my path looked like. And while it was my very own path, it also followed a larger pattern many of us seem to go through.

To make your journey a little easier to walk, I created the Finding Your Inner Light series. You can find it in the link below:

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When we walked through the darkness on many sleepless nights, we were confronted with our shadows. Those were the parts we tried to push away from ourselves because looking at them was just too painful.

But now we were ready. Strong enough to allow ourselves to go through the pain and integrate the once-abandoned parts.

We did so much inner work and let the transformation happen. We know we have entered a new phase in life. Although this phase brings more peace, we may still wonder why we feel so exhausted and empty, as if our lives have lost all direction.

In this part, I will explain why this happens and how you can navigate this phase of your Finding Your Inner Light journey with a little more trust.

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Life is better when nobody knows what you are doing.

It had over 24,000 likes, hundreds of comments, and thousands of restacks. I have also seen it go viral on other platforms. So it clearly resonated with many people.

I wondered why.

And then I wondered why I wondered... because somehow I felt that this quote had something to do with me too.

So let’s go back to where the wish to be invisible first began.

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When Hiding Felt Like Magic

I remember when I played hide and seek with my 8-year-younger brother.

I turned around, closed my eyes, counted down slowly from twenty, and heard him moving somewhere in the room.

„Ready, “ I said out loud, ready to start searching for him.

And there he was. Sitting in the corner with his hands covering his eyes. Being invisible to the world around him. At least that's what he thought.

We have all been through that phase...

The Longing to Be Invisible

While my younger brother tried to hide behind his hands, I used to daydream about having a cloak that would make me invisible.

With such a cloak, I would go to people's homes and watch them. I wanted to know how they really talked and behaved when they thought nobody was watching.

Somehow, I sensed that people were wearing a mask.

But the story didn't end there.

Little did I know that my longing for invisibility would simply change over the years.

Learning to Hide Without Disappearing

I found sneakier ways to hide. They were so good that I didn’t recognise them back then and only found out years later.

The thing was that I didn't like to talk about my successes. At work, I attributed them either to luck or to my team having done an excellent job. And the question of why the team I was managing did a great job never came into my mind.

However, I took full responsibility for everything that went wrong on my team. I saw it as my fault and took the blame. That's how I grew up. Whether I messed up things or not, I was accused of wrongdoing and had to defend myself for everything.

Taking all the criticism wasn't exactly fun, but I also learned how to deal with it.

On a rational level, I had a different explanation. Keeping my team out of the line of fire would allow them to do their jobs. And if they did good work, I might be less under attack accordingly.

Basically, I wanted to be invisible to be left in peace. It was a peace without sunshine, though, as I didn't allow myself to enjoy the warming rays of praise and appreciation.

When the Right People Start to See You

Back in 2010, I was so done with life. I had changed jobs and cities several times. Always hoping for things to get better. Until that illusion finally died.

I asked myself what I wanted to do with my life. The only answer I got was to quit my soul-crushing job and travel through South America for a year.

I didn't tell anybody at work about this plan. But I told everybody in my private life what I was up to. I no longer wanted to hide. Inside me was a big urge to tell the world about my biggest dream.

And the world responded…

Out of seemingly nowhere, I started running into people who had made similar journeys or had been to the countries on my list. They gave me so much valuable advice. But even more importantly, they supported me on levels I had not expected at all. And that even included governmental agencies that I thought would give me quite some backlash. They didn't…

They all wanted me to make the most out of my journey.

That was a totally new experience for me. Nobody was jealous, tried to spoil my plans, or make me doubt them.

That's also when I understood how much it matters who is seeing you.

Being Seen Was Never The Actual Problem

I understood how wonderful it is when people see you and also know what you are doing. Supporting and helping one another is such a very human thing.

• Why would we want to do without that?

• Why would we choose to be invisible?

Maybe none of us chose to be invisible. Maybe we were just never seen and allowed to be for who we really are. We got so used to it that staying invisible somehow started feeling safe. It became our second nature.

Another aspect is that there are people who tend to show off, fake their life, and crave attention out of pure vanity. That's not us. We don't want to be like them.

But does that mean we need to do the opposite and stay invisible?

Imagine you grew up in an environment where you were loved, appreciated, and praised for all the good things you did. You wouldn't hide. You would do your thing and share it with people around you.

You would shine your light, and people around you would be happy for you.

The story is different when you grew up in darker places. Your light was not appreciated there. You adjusted and had to abandon yourself to reduce friction.

Your light was never the problem. Your environment was.

We do not choose where we are born. But we can always strive to go where we belong.

Before You Go…

Many of us forget about our inner light on our journey through life.

We might desperately look for solutions in the world around us and feel lost at some point. That is often when we become ready to look inward.

I wrote a healing journey about Finding Your Inner Light, which you can find here:

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When you start seeing life through a new lens, as described in the previous part, it can feel as if you have found the first beams of light coming from within.

Life begins to feel lighter because you notice new aspects of it. It's a bit like traveling to an exotic country and experiencing so many new things with all your senses.

This works all the better the more relaxed you are. Then your mind can pay more attention to the things that resonate with you. In a way, it's a self-amplifying mechanism. You experience new things, get a little excited, and your brain relaxes and opens up to more.

Sometimes this can feel as if the world around you has changed. You might even ask yourself where all the synchronicities suddenly come from.

That's when you begin to understand how limited your perception was when you were mainly functioning, or even living in a kind of survival mode.

But… you have not fully arrived in that new state yet.

What you've got is a first taste of what life could feel like.

To fully arrive there, something inside you has to change. And that's what this part is about.

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We might wish for a different life. One that feels more like it actually belongs to us.

In such phases, it’s quite normal to ask ourselves who we really are.

The idea behind it is simple. Once you understand yourself better, you also get a clearer idea of what to do with your life.

A squirrel does not need to become a bird. It just needs to live like a squirrel. Collect nuts, bury most of them in the neighborhood, jump around in the trees, and take it a little easier during winter.

But there is a little more to understanding yourself.

Many of us crave some proof that we are normal. That there is nothing inherently wrong with us and nothing to really be ashamed of. Maybe because this makes it easier to believe that we might actually find our way to a life where we belong.

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Meditation As a Starting Point

Meditation helped me understand that I am not my thoughts. That sounds like a small thing, but it can be a big revelation for people who mostly live in their heads.

We all have our inner voices. Sometimes they can be very harsh and make us believe we are the worst person alive and that we don't deserve anything.

Hard to smile when such a drama goes on in your head.

But in the end, those voices are just thoughts. They come and go. They are not who you are, and they are not necessarily true either.

Knowing this can help us relax a little and open up to different perspectives.

And that already matters.

Doubting an old inner reality you used to believe in can already be progress in understanding yourself.

Journaling For Clarity

I love writing. So it is easy for me to reflect for hours about my life in a journal.

Writing helps me slow down my thinking and put my thoughts on paper in a more structured way. I also love the feeling of my fountain pen floating over the paper and watching the ink dry.

There is clearly a sensory element in it for me, which has a calming effect and, in a way, also connects me with my body. So I am not all in my mind when I journal.

The biggest benefit of writing was gaining clarity about recurring patterns. Somehow, I always remembered when I had already written about something, even when it was months ago.

Reading my old journals also gave me an idea of how much I have changed over the years. How my understanding of myself has changed. And, in a way, also how I am wired.

I know that some people struggle with having a blank page in front of them and have no idea how to fill it. If you need some prompts and guidance, let me know in the comments below.

Asking a Robot

Ten years ago, asking a machine to help you understand yourself better would have sounded wild.

But here we are.

Nowadays, millions of people do it every day. We don't see the chatbots we use necessarily as robots. Because we were told that those machines have some sort of intelligence and may actually understand us.

As someone who likes to play with new technologies, I had to try these magic AI thingies. I asked AI about my blind spots, strengths, and weaknesses.

The initial results I got simply blew me away.

“How the hell could AI know that?” I asked myself.

But the initial excitement faded as the answers I got became more predictable. I began to understand how these machines process my input.

And that's when I understood how problematic using AI for understanding yourself can be.

The first point is that these bots are designed to keep you hooked. In a way, it tells you what you want to hear.

Of course, you can also ask it to challenge and criticise you. It can feel like the “biggest weakness” question in a job interview. You give an honest-sounding answer, then turn it into a strength.

The problems of AI become more apparent the longer you use a chat. At some point, it becomes pretty clear that it can't connect the information you gave it. That's when you get more or less the same results again and again.

It's a bit like running in circles without any escape.

You can try starting the whole chat again, try different questions, and adjust the information you provide. That's also when you realize how much the phrasing of your input matters, and it does not understand you in the way a real person would (to put it nicely).

Then there are all those AI hallucinations, and it tends to gaslight you when you tell it that it messed up. Can be really entertaining when it comes from a machine and not a real person…

In short, it's really easy to fool yourself with AI so badly that you don't even realize it.

Apart from all that, AI is a very useful tool for conducting research and explaining complex concepts in simple terms. Of course, you want to check the information you get at least to some degree.

Personality Tests

A few years back, I took a 16Personalities test and answered it as honestly as I could.

Of course, with those self-assessments, you can still fool yourself. Especially if you already know what result you want to get.

But if you approach them with some openness, the risk is smaller than with AI.

A personality test does not improvise a story around the way you describe yourself. It gives you fixed questions and evaluates your answers through a fixed model.

Anyway…

When I finished the test, I got my result along with a few pages of explanations. That was something I could work with for weeks. Not because of the few pages themselves, but because of the framework behind the test.

I learned about the cognitive functions, which gave some idea of how we are wired. And then there were also plenty of additional sources that explained the typical traits of a given personality type.

The MBTI and similar type-based tests, including 16Personalities, are often criticized as pseudoscience. But the MBTI itself was originally inspired by Carl Jung’s theory of psychological types, so it is not simply something someone made up from thin air.

If you want something more scientifically solid, the Big Five is one of the most widely researched and validated models in personality psychology. It has been around for decades and is still used in various forms today.

Now the good news:

I am currently creating a Big Five assessment in two versions.

The standard version will be available to everyone.

—> Drop a comment below if you want to try it.

For those who want to go deeper, I am also working on a 120-question version with a more detailed Big Five personality report.

Instead of only looking at the five main traits, this version also explores the more specific facets within each trait. This can give you a more nuanced picture of your strengths, possible inner tensions, and the patterns that may shape how you think, feel, and respond to life.

Things You May Have Missed…

• Finding Your Inner Light Part II (published June 2nd, 2026)

• Boundary Setting Compendium (12 articles)

• Boundary Setting Test

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We search for light when we are in a dark place and feel lost in life.

The place we are in can feel very unpleasant. We wish we could run away, but we have no idea where to go. Fear kicks in, and we wish we could just make all of it disappear.

Although this all sounds dramatic, there is still something good about it.

The darkness we experience makes us question the path we have been walking on for so long. After all, it brought us right to where we are now.

Should we really keep on walking it?

Read more

For some, the glass is half full, while for others it's half empty.

Same glass, two different points of view.

Some see what they have, while others see what is missing.

Today's episode is about those of us who have never really felt valuable, no matter how great our achievements are. I was one of them and still struggle with it from time to time.

Maybe struggle is not even the right word here.

Being a bit self-critical and questioning what you could have done better is not all bad. Actually, it's humbling in a way. And it can keep you grounded.

Of course, it's a totally different story if your self-criticism makes you feel like a failure and none of your successes are good enough to count.

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Searching Outside for What Is Missing Inside

On a rational level, we know that it makes no sense to compare ourselves to others. And yet we do it all the time. We just find clever ways to do it without judging ourselves for it.

Idolizing people is one of those ways. We see the shiny parts of them. Not out of jealousy. It's more like they serve as an example that people who have figured life out actually exist.

In other words, not everyone is defective. Only we are…

The tragedy is that I know how real this can feel.

It is a bit like our brain searches the outside world for what is missing inside.

And if comparison is not the way it shows up for you, your brain finds other ways to point toward the empty places inside.

Some try to earn their value through sacrifice, whether that means working too hard, pleasing others, abandoning their own needs, or giving more than they can actually afford to give.

But sooner or later, the brain shows us the same truth in a different costume.

None of these things can fill what was missing inside.

There we are again. Empty-handed…

Searching For Answers

Of course, we want to know what went wrong and why there is this emptiness in us.

That's still coming from the brain trying to help us and make sense of things.

The problem is that this search can become endless. You may find out it has something to do with your family system. But then you wonder how your parents could become that way. You find out about generational trauma cycles, and your understanding of the problem becomes even more complex

But will all that really help you…?

While some level of understanding will serve you well, there is also the danger of falling into a very deep rabbit hole. You become more focused on understanding your problems than actually solving them.

Personally, it helped me to accept a few simple reasons to find my peace with the past, a bit like they were just a given that needed no further explanation.

I recently read that childhood emotional neglect can be enough to shape a person’s self-worth, even when everything looks normal from the outside. In other words, it doesn't always have to be dramatic things.

Sometimes you had a roof over your head, decent clothes, and all your basic needs were met. Yet something essential was missing.

Accepting The Wounds We Still See Through

I'm not really sure whether we can ever completely heal all of our childhood wounds. Not like turning back time and undoing all the damage that was done.

If that were possible, we would probably become perfect human beings. Or at least fall for the illusion of being one.

The thing is that we are all flawed in one way or another.

If you take a closer look at all your idols, you'll eventually see their shadow sides, too. The ones without flaws only exist in comic books, religious stories, and myths. And even there, the most interesting ones usually carry some kind of wound.

This brings me back to how we see ourselves…

Ideally, we would be aware of all our good and bad sides. This would allow us to be at peace with ourselves.

If we haven't found that peace yet, we might have overlooked some of the good parts in us. And if we mostly see what is wrong, missing, broken, or not good enough, we are not really seeing the whole picture.

So in a way, we have a somewhat distorted self-image. That doesn't need to be a problem if we accept that we cannot fully trust everything we see in ourselves or think about ourselves.

In other words, you can use your self-criticism in more beneficial ways.

• What if you are not half as bad as you once believed?

• What positive parts of yourself might you have overlooked?

In the end, it comes down to how you talk to yourself. Is it really your voice or someone from your past who couldn't see you for who you truly are?

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Before You Go…

There are two new things you may not have seen yet.

1. My Substack homepage got a complete makeover. Everything is now so much easier to find with clean categories, Start Here page, and better navigation.

2. I also started Memes by Tim to share my best memes with you, including some background information, so you never miss out again.

This space exists for one simple reason: to help you understand your past, heal from it, and find your way back to yourself.

Many of us reach a point in life when we notice the same old patterns repeating themselves. We sense that this may have something to do with us, but we cannot quite grasp it.

So we begin to ask ourselves questions like these:

• Why do I always end up in toxic relationships?

• Why do I never feel really seen, as if I don't belong?

• How can I start living my own life instead of just functioning?

If some of these questions feel familiar, you are in the right place.

Here you will find:

• Essays to help you recognize yourself

• Healing Journeys to help you understand and walk your path

• Practical Tools to help you understand and work through your patterns

Find more information about Reflections on the about page.

Recommended Articles to Start With

1. Understanding Trauma & Underlying Patterns

• Breaking The Cycle Of Generational Trauma

• Why pushing away your feelings doesn’t work

• Becoming Whole Again

• Rebuilding Self-Trust

2. Best of Reflections

• What Leaving Your Family Truly Means

• 5 Books That Helped Me On My Healing Journey

• How I Turned Hypersensitivity Into a Strength

• Know Your Red Flags

3. Healing Journeys

• Scapegoat Healing Journey

• Boundary Setting Healing Journey

• Finding Your Inner Light Series

4. Best of the Notes to Myself Series

• Notes to Myself - Part I

• Notes to Myself - Part V

• Notes to Myself - (Special Edition)

• Notes to Myself - Part VII

5. Best of the Boundary Setting Compendium

• How To Set Healthy Boundaries

• Why Do I Say Yes When I Want To Say No?

• Which Type Of Boundary Do I Need Right Now?

• Am I Being Kind Or People-Pleasing?

When we were young, we followed a path that promised to bring us a happy and fulfilling life. Of course, it was a path that was available to us, although we might have hoped for a better one.

We were willing to sacrifice our energy and time in the hope of a better future.

On the surface, many things might have actually improved. Maybe you advanced in your career, built a comfortable financial cushion, created a family, had children, or achieved some of the things people usually associate with a good life.

Or maybe you never fully got there, but exhausted yourself trying to become the kind of person you were told you needed to become.

Either way, something still feels off.

And that’s when the first doubts arrive.

You question whether the path you have been walking was actually the right one for you.

One thing is for sure, though. Sacrificing your life for a better future doesn’t make any sense anymore.

But then comes the question:

Which way should you go now?

And that’s where many of us start to feel lost and hope for a guiding light.

The uncomfortable truth is: no one else can hold the torch for you forever.

You will only find your path once you find your inner light.

What Is Your Inner Light

There is nothing esoteric about this inner light. We all have it. And we have seen it so many times in others.

When we were children, little things could easily excite us. We literally beamed our joy into the world. Our innocent laughter was contagious and could even lift people who felt low.

This spark of aliveness never truly gets lost. It might get buried for a while, though. And that’s when life starts to feel dull and dark.

I remember showing my 82-year-old grandfather how I could give voice commands to my smartphone. For him, this was pure magic. He wanted to know how it worked and whether I was playing a trick on him.

For a brief moment, I could see his eyes light up, as if an inner spark had been awakened.

He had always had a natural interest in anything related to technology. That curiosity stayed with him throughout his life, even as life led him down different paths.

But like so many of us, he lost touch with his passions when life became harder. That’s how life becomes a matter of functioning or surviving in the chaos around us.

The Flow Of Life

Maybe it’s the natural flow of life that we lose touch with that light.

As children, many of us still depend on some kind of protection and care. Some receive enough of it for a while. Others are forced to stand on their own two feet much too early.

Sooner or later, we leave home and learn to carry more of life on our own. We learn that adult life can be pretty tough and that the world is no longer welcoming to us everywhere we go.

And still, most children want to grow up, conquer the world in their own way, and find out what life has to offer. Of course, what life has to offer is not only freedom, love, adventure, purpose, and all the other possibilities we might have dreamt of.

Maybe we need to experience the rougher sides of life, like a hero does.

A typical hero’s journey often begins in a familiar world. Then the hero is called into the unknown. He stumbles, falls, doubts himself, loses direction, and has to face what he never wanted to face.

You might object that you never wanted to be a hero. But you may well have chosen a path that you never really wanted to walk.

Maybe you wanted to be an artist, but then you were told that you needed a proper job to make ends meet. It could also be that your dreams wouldn’t have worked with reality, as painful as that sounds...

When Life Feels Like Too Much

Life can easily feel like too much when we believe we have to carry it all alone.

No matter how strong or smart we are, we are not made to survive completely on our own.

These days, it may feel like we can. But we still depend on others in almost every part of life. The food we eat. The places we live in. The people we turn to when we are sick, lost, or overwhelmed.

My point is that we are all in this together. But often it doesn’t feel like that, especially when we are in an environment that does not seem very empathetic.

In such environments, we might easily learn to abandon ourselves until we start to feel as if we have lost ourselves.

And then it is understandable that everything feels like too much.

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Coming Next…

This was the opening part of the Finding Your Inner Light healing series.

The next part will be published next Friday as a separate piece, alongside the ongoing Notes To Myself cycle.

It will be for those of you who want to go deeper.

All you know is that something doesn’t feel right.

You have a conversation, and you feel exhausted after the fact. You agree to things and then end up resenting them. You help. You explain. You answer. You pay. You listen. You accommodate.

And despite all of these actions, the relationship never seems to feel peaceful.

At that point, you’re usually on the lookout for another clue.

A boundary often begins as a symptom before it becomes a sentence. You may not know whether you need one or more of the following boundaries:

• emotional boundary

• time boundary

• energy boundary

• physical boundary

• financial boundary

• privacy boundary.

But your body usually knows that something has become too much. If you need the broader foundation first, start with healthy personal boundaries.

Then, start by asking yourself:

“What keeps happening that leaves me less myself?”

Start With The Symptom

If you feel drained, the missing boundary is likely to be an energy boundary.

This is when you assist with what you have, spend too much time talking (especially when asked), answer too quickly, or remain available because the other person is having trouble.

An example of a simple energy boundary might be the following:

“I care about you, but I do not have the capacity to talk about this tonight.”

If you feel pressured, the missing boundary may be related to time, decision-making, or consent.

Pressure often results from a sense of urgency that isn’t yours. Someone needs an answer now. Someone expects you to decide before you’re ready.

An example of a simple boundary could be “I’ll take some time to think before I respond.”

If you feel responsible, the missing boundary is generally going to be an emotional one.

Responsibility is that nagging. Feeling that you’re supposed to improve someone’s disposition, prevent their disappointment, or maintain the peace at your own expense.

An example of a simple emotional boundary could be “I see how upsetting this situation is. However, I won’t be able to find a solution for you.”

If you feel invaded, the missing boundary is likely to be a physical boundary. It may also relate to your mental state or your private life.

Perhaps someone is asking intrusive questions. Perhaps they’ve entered your private space without permission. Perhaps they are expecting entry to your private life.

An example of a simple physical boundary could be “I’d prefer not to share that information with anyone.”

If you feel resentful toward others, observe. When we continue agreeing to something after our internal “no” has signaled disapproval, resentment tends to emerge.

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Matching The Feeling To The Boundary

You don’t necessarily need to memorize every one of the different types of boundaries.

What’s important is that you identify the pattern.

• Touch, personal space, or physical discomfort may point to a physical boundary.

• Emotional dumping may point to an emotional boundary.

• Scheduling commitments, rest time, being available, response time, etc., may represent a time or energy boundary.

• Financial issues such as money lending, payment, and/or pressure to contribute financially may represent a financial boundary.

• Belongings, home, car, or personal items may point to a material boundary.

• Opinions, decisions, beliefs, or mental pressure may point to a mental boundary.

The name matters less than the function.

The key question is:

“What part of me is being crossed?”

The Repeating Pattern Test

One uncomfortable moment does not always require a boundary conversation.

However, repeated experiences usually do.

To determine if this applies to you, ask yourself:

• In which areas of this relationship do I continually experience the same sensation?

• Where do I continually agree to things that I end up regretting?

• Where do I continually hope that he/she will notice my limits without my explicitly stating them?

Many people set boundaries silently. They become colder, shorter, more irritated, and more distant. But a boundary brings the pattern into language.

Not as an attack.

As a clarification.

The Body Signal Test

Your body will generally tell you about a missing boundary before your brain can give you an explanation.

A tight chest. A heavy stomach. A clenched jaw. An instant urge to leave the room. Feeling instantly exhausted after just interacting with someone.

Ask:
“What was my body reacting to?”

Was it the request? The tone? The expectation? The lack of choice? The feeling that I am not allowed to say no?

The Peace Question

If things are simply getting confusing, ask yourself this one clear question:

“What would bring me the most peace at this moment?”

Not what would make everyone happy. Not what would avoid conflict, but what would. Not what would make you look loyal or easy.

Saying no could be peaceful. Walking away from a conversation could be peaceful. Not responding to someone after they’ve talked long enough could be peaceful.

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Choose One Small Boundary First

You don’t have to establish all your boundaries today. You just need to focus on establishing the next true boundary.

Establish one small boundary where your body has been telling you “no,” and then try to honor that “no.”

Keep it simple like this:

• “I cannot do that today.”

• “I need more time.”

• “I am not available tonight.”

• “I do not want to share that.”

Don’t worry if it seems uncomfortable at first; eventually, it may help you develop more clarity and peace.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to resolve the entirety of your life in one single conversation.
All you need to do is take note of when and where you continue to leave yourself out of the picture.

It is what happens after.

You articulated clearly what you required. You attempted to express your limits effectively. Possibly, you explained things to them nicely, with more information than you would have preferred to provide.

Still, they continue to behave in the very same manner.

They keep calling when you asked for space. They keep making the joke. They keep asking again after you already said no. They act confused. They act hurt. They act as if your boundary is something they can negotiate if they push long enough.

That is the point at which boundary-setting becomes real.

Since a limit is not confirmed by how clearly you articulate it,

It is proven by what you do when it is crossed.

If you need the broader foundation first, start with healthy personal boundaries.

When A Boundary Is Not Being Respected

If someone crosses a boundary with you one time, it might be a miscommunication.
When someone continues to cross your limits, however, you are no longer working with an individual occurrence; you’re now working with a recurring pattern.

Patterns are crucial.

A pattern indicates that the problem may likely be related to the language used, rather than how well you articulated your limits.

Sometimes people understand your boundary perfectly.

They just do not like it.

Mistake Or Pattern?

Before you react, pause and ask a simple question.

Accidental violations of boundaries typically have a distinct sensation. They frequently express remorse. They may address themselves. They display genuine concern to avoid repeating such behaviors.

Testing boundaries creates a distinct sensation.

They listen to you; yet then they examine how seriously you are taking yourself. They inquire once more. They create a little joke. They imply that this wasn’t a significant incident. They search for a weakness in your self-doubt.

Intentional disregard is quite obvious.

They mock the limits. They penalize you for creating them. They utilize guilt-tripping, silence, rage, or emotional coercion to induce you to abdicate yourself.

Those are not the same situations.

So they should not get the same response.

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Stop Explaining What They Already Understand

This is where many sensitive people lose themselves.

They explain again. Then again and again…

But when someone already comprehends your limit and continues to breach it, providing additional explanations can easily turn into a trap. It transforms your limits into a dispute. It provides additional arguments for the other party to employ against you.

Your boundaries don’t become more legitimate due to the fact that another person ultimately agrees with them.

Restate The Boundary Once

Rephrase your boundary only if you are unsure whether the person comprehended you.

Keep it brief and straightforward:

• “I already said I’m not available for this.”

• “I’m not discussing that topic.”

• “If you keep speaking to me this way, I’m going to end the conversation.”

No courtroom statements. No desperate attempt to be seen as a good person.

Just the line.

Follow Through With The Consequence

Now comes the aspect of establishing restrictions that differs from anything previously described.

• If you claim that you will conclude the discussion, complete it.

• If you state that you will depart, go.

• If you state that you will refrain from replying to work emails past a specific hour, do not reply to them.

The consequence is neither revenge nor punishment.

It is the actions taken by you to safeguard your limit since phrases are insufficient at this stage.

Yes, it may feel uncomfortable. Particularly if you were taught to maintain harmony by betraying yourself.

But if you never follow through, the other person learns something too.

They learn that your boundary is negotiable.

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Reduce Access When Needed

People do not lose access to you because they are hated by you.

They lose access to you because they continually misuse it.

That could entail shorter interactions. Shorter response times. Lower amounts of private data are provided. Reduced one-on-ones. Increased distance in terms of particular themes.

Availability and love are two separate concepts.

While you can adore somebody and simultaneously prohibit them from limitless access to your nervous system.

In some cases, the greatest healthiest boundary is not an additional phrase.

It is reduced availability.

Guilt-Tripping, Mocking, Or Silent Treatment

Guilt-tripping, mocking your restriction, or using silent treatment on you indicates that someone is attempting to create such discomfort about maintaining your boundary that you return to the prior model of yourself.

Allow them to experience their reaction.

You do not have to regulate their reactions.

You can be benevolent while continuing to define the limits of yourself. You can remain calm without being accessible once more. You can comprehend their feelings without turning those emotions into yours.

When Power Dynamics Are Involved

Boundaries become more complicated when there is a power dynamic.

Your boss, your parent, your partner that you rely on for financial, emotional, or social needs; Someone that can harm you by way of social punishment, financial loss, etc., etc.

Do not be tempted to “romanticize” being brave in these types of situations.

First, think of safety for yourself. Document what occurs. Seek help from others where possible. Write clearly as much as possible to communicate.

Gradually reduce your exposure to the individual(s) if needed. If there is a threat of physical harm, intimidation, or dangerous behavior, the priority is not a perfectly scripted boundary statement.

Final Thoughts

If someone continues to cross your boundaries, it’s not only the question of “how do I get this person to understand my boundaries?”

But rather:

“What does this person continue to demonstrate regarding how they treat my access to myself?”

Relationships will change because Respect has gone away.

This doesn’t necessarily mean they have to end right now.

However, they can no longer remain the same.

A boundary is not only a line you speak.

It is a truth you stop betraying.

For example, when someone asks for your time, help, attention, emotional presence, etc. Before you have really checked in with yourself, you hear yourself agree.

• “Sure.”

• “No problem.”

• “Of course.”

As far as outsiders know, there was no drama. You were simply pleasant. Helpful. Normal. Inside, however, everything is beginning to contract. Your breathing slows down. Your gut feels empty. Your energy level begins to drop.

Something inside of you recognizes that this was not a genuine “Yes.”

It was a yes made out of pressure.

A yes meant to avoid tension.

A yes that keeps the peace outside while creating conflict inside.

This is often one of the first signs that you need healthy personal boundaries.

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When Your Mouth Moves Faster Than Your Truth

Pleasing others usually appears as kindness on the surface. People see you as adaptable, generous, and easily accessible.

But the inner experience is different. You agree, and almost immediately feel trapped.

You perform the task requested, but anger starts growing in the shadows. Later, you may become angry at the other person, but a less audible voice inside of you knows that the primary wound is that once again, you abandoned yourself.

Resentment is often not a sign that you are selfish. It is a signal that your outer answer and your inner truth no longer match.

Why Saying Yes Can Feel Safer Than Saying No

Most People don’t abandon their own desires because they are dumb or unclear about what they want. They do it because at one point, honesty felt scary.

Maybe it seemed better to protect love from potential conflict. Maybe it felt better to turn disappointment into shame rather than guilt. Maybe you believed being “good” required being available, convenient, quiet, and low maintenance.

Therefore, you adapted.

You became the helpful one. The easy one. The person who reads the room before he speaks. The one who senses what others require and changes before anyone needs to ask you to.

At times, this method of adaptation provided protection. It allowed you to maintain relationships, prevent criticism, or keep a safe distance from getting worse. However, when this adaptive behavior continues to occur long after the threat has disappeared, it can develop into a prison.

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The Fear Behind The False Yes

A fake Yes rarely refers to the immediate request in question. Much of the time, it relates to fears about how things will be if you speak your Truth.

You could fear conflict. Not necessarily the actual word “no,” but the uncomfortable silence that follows it. The way your tone changes. The look of disappointment. The slight adjustment in demeanor makes you wonder if you did something wrong.

You could fear rejection. Deep inside you, “no” still feels like a risk to being accepted.

You may fear being seen as selfish, cold, difficult, ungrateful, dramatic, or too much. So you choose the answer that keeps your image intact, even when your body is already paying the price.

Hence, agreeing may appear safer for now since it avoids discomfort right away; however, it usually produces greater discomfort later.

Old Roles Do Not Simply Disappear

Many false yeses are old family roles returning in adult life.

The peacemaker. The helper. The reliable one. The troublemaker. The one who doesn’t require much. The one who absorbs other people’s tension so they won’t feel it either.

These roles typically developed as clever ways to adapt. A young child learns what preserves closeness and what creates danger. Eventually, the older adult may react from the same old map even though there are more options today.

This is why the body often reacts before the mind has an explanation. A tight throat, a heavy chest, sudden tiredness, a small contraction when someone says, “Can you just…” — these are not random reactions. They are information.

Your body may notice self-abandonment before your conscious mind can find a nice phrase for it.

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The Cost Of Saying Yes When You Mean No

A false yes rarely ends the conversation. It follows you into the rest of the day.

However, losing time isn’t the greatest consequence. Losing contact with your personal preferences is probably worse. Rather than asking yourself, “What’s true for me?”, you’ll be asking, “What is the best answer to make this individual happy with me?”

Eventually, this results in exhaustion. Not due to helping someone too frequently but due to constantly translating yourself into someone else whom they’ll love more.

That is not kindness. It is self-erasure dressed as kindness.

How To Pause Before You Agree

Firstly, it’s not always a clear cut, no, we need to achieve here...it’s a pause!

You need a small sentence that interrupts the automatic yes before it takes over.

• “Let me check and get back to you.”

• “I need to think about that.”

• “I’m not sure yet.”

All of these phrases may seem simple; however, they are vital! They provide you with sufficient space between the question & your response, allowing your real response to be apparent.

You are not being stubborn by pausing...you are declining to respond out of panic!

Practice With Smaller Noes First

Do not begin with the most emotionally loaded person in your life. Start where the stakes are low.

Say no to plans you didn’t want. Ask for additional time. Acknowledge that something is not working for you. Allow someone else to feel slightly let down without immediately trying to soothe their feelings about you.

Practicing smaller nos teaches your body that telling the Truth does not mean destroying connections...sometimes it makes those connections clearer b/c now the other person is connecting with you rather than an edited version of you.

Final Thought

Each fake Yes teaches you that your internal truths can be ignored or denied.

Each authentic no teaches the opposite.

It tells your body: I heard you.

Remind your younger self: you don’t need to earn love by making things easy.

Through these small moments of honesty, you gradually grow into someone who trusts themselves again

I remember when my Chinese colleague invited me to a local zoo for fishing. It was one of those small local experiences I would never have imagined before staying there for a few weeks.

We paid two dollars and got a small stick with a nylon line. It looked like a toy fishing rod for children. But instead of a magnet, it came with a real hook.

My colleague gave his rod a little swing and let the hook dive into the water. A moment later, he pulled it out with a tiny gold fish on the hook.

He did it again. Not only once but five times in a row. Effortlessly.

Then it was my turn.

I tried to imitate his moves the best I could. Not a single fish wanted to bite. I was either pulling out the hook too late or too early. It felt hopeless.

My first thought was that he took out all the easy ones. But then he showed me with a knowing smile how easy it was for him.

“How are you doing this?” I asked.

“Oooh, I learned when I was a young boy. Watching you reminded me of how long it took me to get the timing right,” he answered.

Yep, it wasn't big things. He had just way more practice and made it through all the frustration that comes with things that look so easy but, in fact, are not.

And it's no different with setting boundaries.

From the outside, it looks like one simple move. You say no. You stay calm. You do not apologize for existing. But when it is your turn, the timing suddenly feels impossible.

This part of the boundary-setting series is about the messy middle. The moments where you try, fail, feel guilty, explain too much, collapse back into old habits, and wonder if you are doing it all wrong.

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